Tonight we took a trip out to my in-laws to visit with them. Eric's brother Jordan got to meet Cecelia for the firs time. My sisters-in-law were out for the evening and they came home just as Jordan was leaving with his kids. They get really excited around Cecelia - and I don't blame them she is pretty exciting - and tonight it just overwhelmed me. She sat with Jordan for a long time, then her grandparents, then the girls and then she had to feed so I took her back. Feeding is still really hard and I honestly don't enjoy doing it very much. I took her back and fed her, but as soon as she was done she was gone again being circulated around and photographed and smothered. I thought I was okay with all of this, but as the night grew late I realised I am not yet. I suddenly felt really stressed and realised that I'm just not ready to share her that much yet. Eric and I got packed up and brought her home, where I snuggled her and cried for quite some time. I cry a lot these days.
On the way home I was tired and my mind was wondering and with this being the first big trip we'd made with her in the car I kind of started to panic. Cars are dangerous and anything can happen in them. My mind started to wander to dangerous places. I actually felt tonight, for the first time, what it's like to love someone so much it hurts. I've only had her for about 4 days, but I love her so much that the thought of not having her at any point terrifies me more than anything I've ever experienced. I cannot imagine what life is like without her now.
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