I have decided to participate in the 21 Day Fix. I have gained weight since slowing down on breast feeding, and I am just not happy with my body the way it is right now.
I visited with my doctor a few weeks ago, before I stopped nursing, and she said that I need to work on getting my body back to being my own before I think about having another baby. She prompted me to remember what being pregnant was really like - it was a challenge. At least in those first three months or so, growing a baby is really really hard work for your body. I started to remember all the nausea, and the days I couldn't make it to work, and the evenings I came home so exhausted I turned it in for the night by 7:00PM. A part of me had forgotten just how bad those things really were - especially since everything after that was a breeze for me. And to imagine doing all that with a toddler running around. No. I needed to change some things first.
So here I am. It started on Pinterest, then with a good chat with some girlfriends, and then Jordena, and then the grocery store. And before I knew it I was getting started on something huge for me. I have never ever in my life stuck with a diet or workout plan - or really much of any personal development plan. That isn't to say I've never started them - boy have I ever started them - I've just never finished them or seen them through to the end. This time I am determined. More than loosing the weight and toning my tummy, I need to promote a healthy lifestyle for myself and my family. This is how I think I will be able to do it.
Things I am hoping to accomplish:
1. I would ultimately love to see myself in at least my postpartum body again. I understand and am aware that not all things can pop back to the way they were before, and I'm not expecting that. I felt great after having Cecelia and I was so proud of the accomplishments I'd made that I was excited about my body and proud of it. I want to feel that way again, and I definitely wouldn't mind looking like that again.
2. As mentioned, I was to promote healthy habits for myself and my family. I like the outline of the 21 Day Fix, because it really does have you eating mostly things that you already eat or have buried somewhere in the back of your cupboard meaning to try some day.
3. I really need to get in to a regular routine of exercise and physical activity. Physical activity helps me feel great, it just is so hard to get started for some reason. I am determined to exercise for the 30 minutes a day recommended by this program, and to continue some kind of routine after that.
4. I would like to change my perspective on health from something I should or have to or need to do, to something I just do.
This program has not been easy for me. One of my biggest challenges is actually eating enough food - believe it or not. I often get to 4:00 in the afternoon and think, "Why am I so cranky? Why am I all of a sudden so short with Cecelia? Why is my body slowing down?". More often than not, the answer is that I've had nothing but a protein drink and maybe a bowl of Cheerios for the day.
Two things: First, this diet is actually making me more hungry than not eating at all ever did. As I'm putting more in to my body, I am finding that it needs even more from me. Second is that when I get really hungry I get really nauseous. When I get really nauseous, it gets harder to eat food - especially vegetables of any kind for some reason.
I am really finding it hard to remember and force myself to eat when I'm not used to it, as well as squeezing in all those portions while feeling a little queezy.
To be perfectly honest, I have not felt better since starting the Fix - I have felt worse. My energy levels seem lower, I am hungry more of the time, and I am feeling a little sick. I am really hoping - and honestly believe - that this is my body reacting to trying to kick those old habit it's become so comfortable with. It's almost as if I'm going through mild withdrawal symptoms, and it's awful. Last night it all caught up with me. I got home very hungry and tired. I ate some eggs and toast for dinner, then got Cecelia bathed and in to bed. Then I finally got to my workout at around 9:15 PM - pretty exhausted to start with. It was cardio, which I have never been very strong in. I got through the workout alright, but as soon as I stopped moving the room started spinning and I basically laid down in my workout clothes until my husband came home - about 1.5 hours later. He helped me get into bed and I was excited to fall asleep and sleep it off. Well that didn't go according to plan. I ended up in the bathroom at about 3:30 in the morning with him by my side. He patted my back and said "You don't have to throw up to reach your target". I giggled. Then I did it anyway, to which he said "Wo! There goes pretty much everything you've eating since you started this diet." Thanks babe. I realized that I've been pushing myself too hard, too soon. I want to loose the weight and I want to see results, and so I am trying so so hard to follow the plan as closely as I can. Modifying the plan to fit my needs and my body is not failing at it. In only 4 days I've already learned some really great tips and tricks and habits that I hope I will be able to hold on to, but I am not doing this to train intensely for anything or to get totally toned muscles, I am just trying to get healthy. Pushing myself as hard as I did last night is not healthy.
This is my progress so far, and a few of my feelings and takes on the whole thing. Stay tuned for more. I will be sticking with it! What's 21 days, right?
Showing posts with label thoughts and feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts and feelings. Show all posts
Jun 5, 2015
Feb 8, 2015
I have been a mother for a year
To be honest, I can believe that Cecelia is a year old. People have been asking me all week "can you believe Cecelia is one?" and I really can. What I can't believe is that I've been a mother for a year. I know that sounds crazy - let me back up.
I have watched Cecelia grow from nothing. For longer than a year now I have watched her grow from a microscopic seed, into a little girl. She has changed so much in the last year, and gone through so many adventures. Some of her highlights this year were learning to eat, to sleep, to open her eyes, to smile, to giggle, to sit up, to roll over, to eat solid foods, to communicate with sign language, to reach for people and to prefer certain people and things, to make connections, to crawl, to pull herself up, to tease and to play. In so many ways I can't believe she's only one. The first year of a child's life is an incredible journey, and they do it so naturally.
What I can't believe is that it's already been a year since I laid in that hospital bed and Eric and I fell so in love with that little girl. There is no feeling in the world like it, and I'm not even sure we will experience it the same way ever again. I know we will love all of our children the same - but do we now know what to expect? Becoming a parent for the first time has got to be an experience unlike any other, and it has given me a whole new perspective on life, on my own parents, and on my Heavenly Parents. I can't believe it's already been a year of that.
I have enjoyed being a mother, maybe more than anything else that I've ever done before. I fell into the roll immediately (although never perfectly) and have never looked back. One thing I love so much about motherhood is it's ability to shape and change all other aspects of my life - for the better - without me even noticing. I was worried about balancing life as a mother, and as all of the other things that I've enjoyed being in my life prior to. I now realise that the lessons learned and sacrifices made as a mother have changed me and helped me to become a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better teacher, and a better learner. It has taught me to give, to share, to love, to serve, to beg, to pray, to feel, to care and to endure in ways that nothing else ever could. I can't believe it's only been a year of that.
And so Cecelia Kate, on your first birthday I want you to know more than anything else how much I have enjoyed being your mother. I want you to know how much I have loved to serve and teach you all these days, and how I look forward to our years ahead. I want you to know that all that I am and I do and I give is because of my love for you. You will not understand that love until you get to experience it for yourself, but I hope that you have felt it each day this year, and will for each day of the rest of your life.
I have watched Cecelia grow from nothing. For longer than a year now I have watched her grow from a microscopic seed, into a little girl. She has changed so much in the last year, and gone through so many adventures. Some of her highlights this year were learning to eat, to sleep, to open her eyes, to smile, to giggle, to sit up, to roll over, to eat solid foods, to communicate with sign language, to reach for people and to prefer certain people and things, to make connections, to crawl, to pull herself up, to tease and to play. In so many ways I can't believe she's only one. The first year of a child's life is an incredible journey, and they do it so naturally.
What I can't believe is that it's already been a year since I laid in that hospital bed and Eric and I fell so in love with that little girl. There is no feeling in the world like it, and I'm not even sure we will experience it the same way ever again. I know we will love all of our children the same - but do we now know what to expect? Becoming a parent for the first time has got to be an experience unlike any other, and it has given me a whole new perspective on life, on my own parents, and on my Heavenly Parents. I can't believe it's already been a year of that.
I have enjoyed being a mother, maybe more than anything else that I've ever done before. I fell into the roll immediately (although never perfectly) and have never looked back. One thing I love so much about motherhood is it's ability to shape and change all other aspects of my life - for the better - without me even noticing. I was worried about balancing life as a mother, and as all of the other things that I've enjoyed being in my life prior to. I now realise that the lessons learned and sacrifices made as a mother have changed me and helped me to become a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better teacher, and a better learner. It has taught me to give, to share, to love, to serve, to beg, to pray, to feel, to care and to endure in ways that nothing else ever could. I can't believe it's only been a year of that.
And so Cecelia Kate, on your first birthday I want you to know more than anything else how much I have enjoyed being your mother. I want you to know how much I have loved to serve and teach you all these days, and how I look forward to our years ahead. I want you to know that all that I am and I do and I give is because of my love for you. You will not understand that love until you get to experience it for yourself, but I hope that you have felt it each day this year, and will for each day of the rest of your life.
The song I sing to Cecelia each night before bed:
You are my honeybunch, sugar plum, pumpie umpy umpkin
You're my sweetie pie.
You're my cupy cake, gumdrop snookums snookums
You're the apple of my eye.
And I love you so, and I want you to know
That I'll always be right here,
And I love to sing sweet songs to you,
because you are so dear.
Feb 6, 2015
Back to Work
I started back to work two weeks ago. I was really blessed to be offered a position with my office that is only two days a week. I love the office I've been working at for the past couple of years. My boss is a doll, and the other girls I work with make it enjoyable and enriching to spend time at work.
I went back and forth on this decision like just about nothing I've ever had to decide before. I originally went to the owner and asked if they had anything they could offer me for two days a week. I thought that would be the perfect time to income ratio to make it worth me going back. She said they didn't have anything at the moment - which I half expected because this office is full of women getting pregnant and married and having babies and wanting to come back part time. Then I toyed with the idea of going back full time to my original position. I loved the work I was doing there, and we really do need some extra income while we're planning to get a house - but I love being with Cecelia more than I love being at work. It was such a hard thing for me adjust to in my mind. I finally decided to go back to her again and ask for four days a week instead of five - I thought that that would make a good balance between what they needed from me, and what I wanted for my family. I thought one extra day with just Cecelia and I a week would be good for us. She said she'd discuss it with the other girl, and get back to me. I spent that time in between thinking non-stop about it and about what I wanted to do and about what I would do if she said no. It consumed all my energy.
Finally I got the call. They said they had a position available for me after all that would be two days a week. I felt so blessed and so excited. The job also sounded very appealing to me - doing much of my favourite parts of the work I was doing before I left.
This is where I started two weeks ago. I am now at the office Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have a rare blessing that most women don't (that I do not take for granted) - my mother-in-law watches Cecelia for me while I'm at work. If I had to leave her with a stranger, none of the above contemplation would have even happened. Cecelia spending time at her house has been such a blessing to me. I trust Dalene with Cecelia almost more than I trust myself with her. I get to go to work with complete faith and confidence that Cecelia is loved and looked after and cared for as close to as well as I could do it myself (some days better).
I love being a mom. Please don't get me wrong, it is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life. And I mean that with all sincerity. The thing that is hard is that it's sometimes tough to see the day to day progress you're making. While she's so young, it's hard to always feel like I'm really being appreciated for my efforts. I've also found that it sometimes gets lonely. Just her and I together most days can be a little bit tough for me - especially if she's having a harder than normal day. Being at the office two days a week has provided me with the perfect outlet. I get the social contact I feel I need; I get to do work that shows me progress, results and success each time; and I get to contribute a little bit financially to our goal of getting a house (which to be honest, I want more than Eric does anyway). It has added structure, routine and schedule to our home and family, and it has given me the extra boost of motivation I've needed lately to make what time I do spend with Cecelia and with Eric (and all together) valuable and productive. It really is what's best for our family right now, and I'm really grateful that I feel completely confident saying that. I am grateful that I feel so settled and happy with this decision that I don't have to feel intimidated by the opinions and criticisms of others. In fact, I'm lucky to have not come across too much of that to deal with, but I do know it's out there. Every situation, every woman and every family is different. I wish these things didn't exist, but they do, and I have more and more respect for other women, and the decisions they make, with each new stage of motherhood I face.
I went back and forth on this decision like just about nothing I've ever had to decide before. I originally went to the owner and asked if they had anything they could offer me for two days a week. I thought that would be the perfect time to income ratio to make it worth me going back. She said they didn't have anything at the moment - which I half expected because this office is full of women getting pregnant and married and having babies and wanting to come back part time. Then I toyed with the idea of going back full time to my original position. I loved the work I was doing there, and we really do need some extra income while we're planning to get a house - but I love being with Cecelia more than I love being at work. It was such a hard thing for me adjust to in my mind. I finally decided to go back to her again and ask for four days a week instead of five - I thought that that would make a good balance between what they needed from me, and what I wanted for my family. I thought one extra day with just Cecelia and I a week would be good for us. She said she'd discuss it with the other girl, and get back to me. I spent that time in between thinking non-stop about it and about what I wanted to do and about what I would do if she said no. It consumed all my energy.
Finally I got the call. They said they had a position available for me after all that would be two days a week. I felt so blessed and so excited. The job also sounded very appealing to me - doing much of my favourite parts of the work I was doing before I left.
This is where I started two weeks ago. I am now at the office Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have a rare blessing that most women don't (that I do not take for granted) - my mother-in-law watches Cecelia for me while I'm at work. If I had to leave her with a stranger, none of the above contemplation would have even happened. Cecelia spending time at her house has been such a blessing to me. I trust Dalene with Cecelia almost more than I trust myself with her. I get to go to work with complete faith and confidence that Cecelia is loved and looked after and cared for as close to as well as I could do it myself (some days better).
I love being a mom. Please don't get me wrong, it is the most rewarding and fulfilling thing I have ever done in my life. And I mean that with all sincerity. The thing that is hard is that it's sometimes tough to see the day to day progress you're making. While she's so young, it's hard to always feel like I'm really being appreciated for my efforts. I've also found that it sometimes gets lonely. Just her and I together most days can be a little bit tough for me - especially if she's having a harder than normal day. Being at the office two days a week has provided me with the perfect outlet. I get the social contact I feel I need; I get to do work that shows me progress, results and success each time; and I get to contribute a little bit financially to our goal of getting a house (which to be honest, I want more than Eric does anyway). It has added structure, routine and schedule to our home and family, and it has given me the extra boost of motivation I've needed lately to make what time I do spend with Cecelia and with Eric (and all together) valuable and productive. It really is what's best for our family right now, and I'm really grateful that I feel completely confident saying that. I am grateful that I feel so settled and happy with this decision that I don't have to feel intimidated by the opinions and criticisms of others. In fact, I'm lucky to have not come across too much of that to deal with, but I do know it's out there. Every situation, every woman and every family is different. I wish these things didn't exist, but they do, and I have more and more respect for other women, and the decisions they make, with each new stage of motherhood I face.
Sep 11, 2014
Oh Calgary...
This week has been a wild one in Calgary. Last year the first snow fall of the year was on Eric's birthday - October 27 - and I remember thinking "this must be a record, October? Really?"
Well Calgary, you've outdone yourself. I am honestly in awe and amazement at how many people you've managed to anger this week. Snow in September? And a lot of it. I was really just starting to get excited about fall, and now winter is already here. It will soon pass and we'll get the lovely (yet short lived) fall that we always do, but still, I am really bitter about this. On top of the hideous weather itself, the trees cannot take it and branches are breaking and taking power lines down with them. We've spent a couple evenings in the pitch black this week. Yesterday the power went out first thing in the morning and I had no car. I called my mother in law to come rescue us and by the time we got back to her place the power was out there too. So we made our way down to the Burt household - they live in Copperfield (a newer community) and so they have no trees and no power lines to be knocked down. They were fine all day. By the time we left and got home both our homes had power restored. We made it out pretty lucky from that one.
The other night I was having a really hard time with it. I've already been dreading winter and snow and all that comes with it. I have not been looking forward to having to bundle Cecelia up each time I try to leave the house. I have been resenting this place I live in. Well, can you blame me?
On top of that, we met with a mortgage broker this week and that only added fuel to my firey anger and rage. We got preapproved for a good number. A number that, in most places in this country, would suit quite nicely and make up a nice little home. Here though, it made things a little stressful. I felt a little exhausted and disappointed at the end of our application. Buying a home in Calgary is a tough thing to do.
I know this is the place that we are supposed to be, and there are so many things that I love about this city. Basically the only two things that I dislike about this city just hit really hard this week and I'm feeling a little trapped and resentful.
Well Calgary, you've outdone yourself. I am honestly in awe and amazement at how many people you've managed to anger this week. Snow in September? And a lot of it. I was really just starting to get excited about fall, and now winter is already here. It will soon pass and we'll get the lovely (yet short lived) fall that we always do, but still, I am really bitter about this. On top of the hideous weather itself, the trees cannot take it and branches are breaking and taking power lines down with them. We've spent a couple evenings in the pitch black this week. Yesterday the power went out first thing in the morning and I had no car. I called my mother in law to come rescue us and by the time we got back to her place the power was out there too. So we made our way down to the Burt household - they live in Copperfield (a newer community) and so they have no trees and no power lines to be knocked down. They were fine all day. By the time we left and got home both our homes had power restored. We made it out pretty lucky from that one.
The other night I was having a really hard time with it. I've already been dreading winter and snow and all that comes with it. I have not been looking forward to having to bundle Cecelia up each time I try to leave the house. I have been resenting this place I live in. Well, can you blame me?
On top of that, we met with a mortgage broker this week and that only added fuel to my firey anger and rage. We got preapproved for a good number. A number that, in most places in this country, would suit quite nicely and make up a nice little home. Here though, it made things a little stressful. I felt a little exhausted and disappointed at the end of our application. Buying a home in Calgary is a tough thing to do.
I know this is the place that we are supposed to be, and there are so many things that I love about this city. Basically the only two things that I dislike about this city just hit really hard this week and I'm feeling a little trapped and resentful.
Sep 4, 2014
Getting Healthy
On Tuesday I went and saw my doctor and relayed to her my concerns about winter coming and the load I feel I'm carrying. This is not the first time we've been through this - in fact when I talked with her she mentioned she was worried about me with winter coming. I never do well at this time of year.
She told me that she could prescribe a medication again if I wanted, but the one I'm used to taking I can't take while I'm breastfeeding. She suggested I get started with three very important healthy living tips:
1) Plenty of excercise
She suggested I spend at least half an hour outside each day walking or getting some kind of exercise. This is a suggestion I always hate hearing - it always makes me feel like I've been so lazy. I know I haven't been because taking care of Cecelia has been more work than anything else I have every had to do in my life, but I sometimes feel like there is a view amongst those who do enjoy running or going to the gym or doing yoga that those who don't are lazy and don't take care of their bodies. With my extra time I like to take care of my mind - create things, read things, learn things, and sometimes just relax it. I do feel like I need to exercise more, I just find it really hard to find the time, because it's not one of my favourite things to get out and run or walk. I would much prefer weight training at the gym, but that requires a babysitter and so I just need to sort that kind of thing out and make sure this becomes a priority.
2) Sleep
Doctor said that at 6 months, my baby is a good age for sleep training. This was a relief because it is the second time I've heard this from a medical professional (first was the nurse at her immunizations appointemnt), but every book I've read says that 6 months is too late, and the "window of opportunity" as one book phrased it is closed. She says that's not true though, because by 6 months they shouldn't be needing food through the night, they should be able to last until morning. It's just a matter of choosing the method of training them to do that that works best for us as parents, and for the baby. She offered me information on a class here in town that is available for information about these different methods. I think I'm going to need to take that class. I miss my sleep so much, and I can feel the exhaustion taking its toll on me. I don't feel I have the energy to be the kind of mother I would love to be, and so it is best for both Cecelia and I if we can get her sleeping through the night. It will be a couple of really rough nights, for hopefully a great pay off in the end. I know I need to do this, it's just a matter of committing myself to it. That's been the hard part so far.
3) A hobby or some time to myself away from baby girl - preferably something I can create and feel good about. An accomplishment to show for my time.
This I can really feel myself needing. I need something that I can enjoy that defines me as something other than a mother. To be honest, I can count on one had the number of things I've done for just me since Cecelia was born. I miss creating things. I miss time to myself. I miss me. I need to take the time to find myself and what makes me happy again. I love being Cecelia's mother, and find so much joy and satisfaction in this job, but I do feel a little like I'm loosing myself in it. I spend all of my time caring for her and paying attention to her (and feeling guilty when I'm not). I've been really struggling with this one because I don't really know what I want to do. I don't really know what I would want to spend my time away from Cecelia doing. I don't feel like I can leave her without something specific to go to - because then I'm just leaving to get away from my baby and the responsibilities that go with her. That makes me feel really guilty, and has been a real challenge to me. That is not the truth though, and it's not reality.
Reality is that Cecelia needs the best of me, not all of me. I will be at my best if I take the time to take care of my physical body. Reality is, she doesn't need me in the middle of the night as much as she needs me rested and rejuvenated during the day. Reality is, she enjoys spending time with Grandma, and doesn't need me every evening - she needs me all there on the evenings that I'm with her. These are such simple things that Dr. Fletcher suggested to me, and I know they are going to help, I just don't know why it is sometimes so hard to do things we know will be good for us. I do want to feel better though. I do want to get better, and I do want to be better. If these are the things that will get me there - and she seems to think they will be enough - then I need to make the sacrifices now to make them part of my life so that I can see those changes in the future.
This week we started with a few morning walks - chilly morning walks - before it gets too cold to enjoy being outside at all.
She told me that she could prescribe a medication again if I wanted, but the one I'm used to taking I can't take while I'm breastfeeding. She suggested I get started with three very important healthy living tips:
1) Plenty of excercise
She suggested I spend at least half an hour outside each day walking or getting some kind of exercise. This is a suggestion I always hate hearing - it always makes me feel like I've been so lazy. I know I haven't been because taking care of Cecelia has been more work than anything else I have every had to do in my life, but I sometimes feel like there is a view amongst those who do enjoy running or going to the gym or doing yoga that those who don't are lazy and don't take care of their bodies. With my extra time I like to take care of my mind - create things, read things, learn things, and sometimes just relax it. I do feel like I need to exercise more, I just find it really hard to find the time, because it's not one of my favourite things to get out and run or walk. I would much prefer weight training at the gym, but that requires a babysitter and so I just need to sort that kind of thing out and make sure this becomes a priority.
2) Sleep
Doctor said that at 6 months, my baby is a good age for sleep training. This was a relief because it is the second time I've heard this from a medical professional (first was the nurse at her immunizations appointemnt), but every book I've read says that 6 months is too late, and the "window of opportunity" as one book phrased it is closed. She says that's not true though, because by 6 months they shouldn't be needing food through the night, they should be able to last until morning. It's just a matter of choosing the method of training them to do that that works best for us as parents, and for the baby. She offered me information on a class here in town that is available for information about these different methods. I think I'm going to need to take that class. I miss my sleep so much, and I can feel the exhaustion taking its toll on me. I don't feel I have the energy to be the kind of mother I would love to be, and so it is best for both Cecelia and I if we can get her sleeping through the night. It will be a couple of really rough nights, for hopefully a great pay off in the end. I know I need to do this, it's just a matter of committing myself to it. That's been the hard part so far.
3) A hobby or some time to myself away from baby girl - preferably something I can create and feel good about. An accomplishment to show for my time.
This I can really feel myself needing. I need something that I can enjoy that defines me as something other than a mother. To be honest, I can count on one had the number of things I've done for just me since Cecelia was born. I miss creating things. I miss time to myself. I miss me. I need to take the time to find myself and what makes me happy again. I love being Cecelia's mother, and find so much joy and satisfaction in this job, but I do feel a little like I'm loosing myself in it. I spend all of my time caring for her and paying attention to her (and feeling guilty when I'm not). I've been really struggling with this one because I don't really know what I want to do. I don't really know what I would want to spend my time away from Cecelia doing. I don't feel like I can leave her without something specific to go to - because then I'm just leaving to get away from my baby and the responsibilities that go with her. That makes me feel really guilty, and has been a real challenge to me. That is not the truth though, and it's not reality.
Reality is that Cecelia needs the best of me, not all of me. I will be at my best if I take the time to take care of my physical body. Reality is, she doesn't need me in the middle of the night as much as she needs me rested and rejuvenated during the day. Reality is, she enjoys spending time with Grandma, and doesn't need me every evening - she needs me all there on the evenings that I'm with her. These are such simple things that Dr. Fletcher suggested to me, and I know they are going to help, I just don't know why it is sometimes so hard to do things we know will be good for us. I do want to feel better though. I do want to get better, and I do want to be better. If these are the things that will get me there - and she seems to think they will be enough - then I need to make the sacrifices now to make them part of my life so that I can see those changes in the future.
This week we started with a few morning walks - chilly morning walks - before it gets too cold to enjoy being outside at all.
Aug 14, 2014
Discouragement, Disappointment and Despair
These are things that often plague this household. We are trying to get better, both of us, but it is a challenge we both face - to stay positive and optimistic through hard times.
This last week has been an exhausting one around here. Both us at the end of our ropes, and so unsure about what to do next. Discouraged with the challenges of marriage and parenthood, and disappointed with mostly little things - mainly the cost of flights to Halifax for Christmas.
An important decision was made on Tuesday night - to just try to be happy. Eric told me yesterday morning that he was just going to try his best to be happy, and it has completely changed the atmosphere at home here. It has flipped from despair to hope; from disappointment to comfort; and from discouragement to hope.
This last week has been an exhausting one around here. Both us at the end of our ropes, and so unsure about what to do next. Discouraged with the challenges of marriage and parenthood, and disappointed with mostly little things - mainly the cost of flights to Halifax for Christmas.
An important decision was made on Tuesday night - to just try to be happy. Eric told me yesterday morning that he was just going to try his best to be happy, and it has completely changed the atmosphere at home here. It has flipped from despair to hope; from disappointment to comfort; and from discouragement to hope.
Aug 6, 2014
Sleep Training is Saving Me (Us)
Oh man, there is so much to read and learn and know about sleep training. I hadn't even thought about it for the longest time, and now it has become a very dominating force in my life.
Another problem with having had a baby with such good sleep habits, is that I just went along with it. I didn't want to disturb the peace, and I was happy with what she was doing. Now she thinks she's been calling the shots all this time, and that she gets to continue calling the shots - even when her new routine is driving mom crazy.
In speaking with a couple of moms at church a couple of weeks ago, I cam to know of a book called The Baby Sleep Solution. Now, I am not in anyway trying to recommend or promote this program over others, but the women I spoke with had tried it and like it - one with a baby older than mine and one younger. It's a quick easy read, and it just seems to make sense to me as I go through it. I agree with things she says, and I enjoy being able to feel validated in my feelings as I go through different points she addresses. Two things I really like that she says in the beginning of the book:
1. If you let a baby cry past 5 minutes, she's too exhausted and overwhelmed and worked up to be learning anything. She's not making connections anymore to "if I cry for long enough, my mom will come and get me" or "crying = snuggle time". She's too far gone for any of that.
2. Babies, and kids, need to be taught about rules and structure - especially as it pertains to basic human needs like food and sleep. They need to be taught what to do and how to do it. If you do not do some kind of sleep training (I use that term loosely because it can mean all kinds of different things, and take all kinds of different forms), you are leaving the responsibility to learn these things up to your infant. That's not fair to her or to you.
So, while I am not promoting any program in particular, or any person, I am saying to all you moms to be out there that I wish I'd thought about and learned about sleep training sooner than I have. Take some time (while you have the time) to choose (or even create) a program that works for you and your family. She also talks about how the baby should adjust to life in the family that already exists, the whole family does not need to change to adjust to baby (after the first few weeks, of course). I don't care what it is you decide to do, or who you decide to trust, but find something that you think will work for you, and prepare yourself to put it in place at a time earlier than I did.
Okay, now that I've said my piece about that, this is how we've been doing with our's:
I started to read the book over our holidays, and then decided to start the program when we got back from vacation. The first step in the process is to get baby eating at the right times, and the right amounts, during the day. This author figures baby needs about 24 ounces of breast milk in a 24 hour period. She suggests feeding every 4 hours, in a 12 hour period, on the hour. You can choose any twelve hours that work for you during the 24 - we've chosen 8AM-8PM. On Monday she was a perfect dream baby. She woke up and ate at 8AM, she was ready again at Noon, again at 4PM, ate at 8PM and went to bed. She even got the naps down (which is not until step 4 of the program). She napped for 1 hour between the first two feedings, and 2 hours between the 2nd and 3rd. The night however, was another story. She was up twice, and the up for good at 6:30 in the morning. Being up so early threw Tuesday off completely. We tried our best to stick to the schedule again, and for the most part it seemed to work for feeding - napping was all over the place, but that's okay. One step at a time is important. We only fed her cereal once yesterday, and she slept so much better overnight. I don't know why this is the case, but it seems to be a trend. Each time we skip a meal of cereal, she does better at night. So we've reduced it for now to only breakfast time cereal - which I think is fine because she's not even quite 6 months yet so she certainly doesn't need more than that.
Anyway, so we're trying our best. We're working right now on just making sure she eats at 8AM, Noon, 4PM and 8PM and goes to bed consistently right after the 8PM feed. I think a consistent bed time is so important for little kids, and am learning now how important it is for me too.
I am loving Cecelia in bed at 8PM these days (this has been going on for a couple weeks now). It gives me a bit of time alone before Eric gets home, it give Eric and I time alone before bed, and we are rarely in bed past 11PM because there is just no need to be. It's been really nice for us - together and individually.
So here's the thing that I have learned and loved about starting this program - the reason I would suggest it (or again, something similar to it) to anyone: I am gaining perspective. I am learning that this is not a struggle that needs to last forever; I am developing patience. I am learning to endure, and to enjoy the ride. My time while she naps during the day is my own, and she is learning and growing through this process as well. I have been blessed these last few days with an added measure of patience, and I don't know where it comes from. I have only one guess, and that is prayer. Eric prays for me always, I pray for me when I have the faith to, and when I phoned home on the weekend crying to my parents they said the only thing they were really able to from all the way over there: "we will pray for you". In the moment, I am sorry to say, I thought "Thanks a bunch guys, that's really helpful. Not!" I phoned home expecting all the answers from my seasoned parents, and all I got was - yupp it's hard, sorry about that, we'll pray for you. Well, it turns out that I needed that more than anything. With their prayers, and others' prayers, and our own prayers, I am learning to be faithful, learning to endure and learning to be patient. Most importantly I am learning that I am doing a fine job - Cecelia has a good mom who loves her more than anything and wants what's best for her. There's nothing that can replace that. I am doing well, and I can rest knowing that my best is all that can be expecting, and all that she requires. I cannot even explain the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders in a matter of only two days. It's a tiny miracle, and one that I am so so grateful for.
Another problem with having had a baby with such good sleep habits, is that I just went along with it. I didn't want to disturb the peace, and I was happy with what she was doing. Now she thinks she's been calling the shots all this time, and that she gets to continue calling the shots - even when her new routine is driving mom crazy.
In speaking with a couple of moms at church a couple of weeks ago, I cam to know of a book called The Baby Sleep Solution. Now, I am not in anyway trying to recommend or promote this program over others, but the women I spoke with had tried it and like it - one with a baby older than mine and one younger. It's a quick easy read, and it just seems to make sense to me as I go through it. I agree with things she says, and I enjoy being able to feel validated in my feelings as I go through different points she addresses. Two things I really like that she says in the beginning of the book:
1. If you let a baby cry past 5 minutes, she's too exhausted and overwhelmed and worked up to be learning anything. She's not making connections anymore to "if I cry for long enough, my mom will come and get me" or "crying = snuggle time". She's too far gone for any of that.
2. Babies, and kids, need to be taught about rules and structure - especially as it pertains to basic human needs like food and sleep. They need to be taught what to do and how to do it. If you do not do some kind of sleep training (I use that term loosely because it can mean all kinds of different things, and take all kinds of different forms), you are leaving the responsibility to learn these things up to your infant. That's not fair to her or to you.
So, while I am not promoting any program in particular, or any person, I am saying to all you moms to be out there that I wish I'd thought about and learned about sleep training sooner than I have. Take some time (while you have the time) to choose (or even create) a program that works for you and your family. She also talks about how the baby should adjust to life in the family that already exists, the whole family does not need to change to adjust to baby (after the first few weeks, of course). I don't care what it is you decide to do, or who you decide to trust, but find something that you think will work for you, and prepare yourself to put it in place at a time earlier than I did.
Okay, now that I've said my piece about that, this is how we've been doing with our's:
I started to read the book over our holidays, and then decided to start the program when we got back from vacation. The first step in the process is to get baby eating at the right times, and the right amounts, during the day. This author figures baby needs about 24 ounces of breast milk in a 24 hour period. She suggests feeding every 4 hours, in a 12 hour period, on the hour. You can choose any twelve hours that work for you during the 24 - we've chosen 8AM-8PM. On Monday she was a perfect dream baby. She woke up and ate at 8AM, she was ready again at Noon, again at 4PM, ate at 8PM and went to bed. She even got the naps down (which is not until step 4 of the program). She napped for 1 hour between the first two feedings, and 2 hours between the 2nd and 3rd. The night however, was another story. She was up twice, and the up for good at 6:30 in the morning. Being up so early threw Tuesday off completely. We tried our best to stick to the schedule again, and for the most part it seemed to work for feeding - napping was all over the place, but that's okay. One step at a time is important. We only fed her cereal once yesterday, and she slept so much better overnight. I don't know why this is the case, but it seems to be a trend. Each time we skip a meal of cereal, she does better at night. So we've reduced it for now to only breakfast time cereal - which I think is fine because she's not even quite 6 months yet so she certainly doesn't need more than that.
Anyway, so we're trying our best. We're working right now on just making sure she eats at 8AM, Noon, 4PM and 8PM and goes to bed consistently right after the 8PM feed. I think a consistent bed time is so important for little kids, and am learning now how important it is for me too.
I am loving Cecelia in bed at 8PM these days (this has been going on for a couple weeks now). It gives me a bit of time alone before Eric gets home, it give Eric and I time alone before bed, and we are rarely in bed past 11PM because there is just no need to be. It's been really nice for us - together and individually.
So here's the thing that I have learned and loved about starting this program - the reason I would suggest it (or again, something similar to it) to anyone: I am gaining perspective. I am learning that this is not a struggle that needs to last forever; I am developing patience. I am learning to endure, and to enjoy the ride. My time while she naps during the day is my own, and she is learning and growing through this process as well. I have been blessed these last few days with an added measure of patience, and I don't know where it comes from. I have only one guess, and that is prayer. Eric prays for me always, I pray for me when I have the faith to, and when I phoned home on the weekend crying to my parents they said the only thing they were really able to from all the way over there: "we will pray for you". In the moment, I am sorry to say, I thought "Thanks a bunch guys, that's really helpful. Not!" I phoned home expecting all the answers from my seasoned parents, and all I got was - yupp it's hard, sorry about that, we'll pray for you. Well, it turns out that I needed that more than anything. With their prayers, and others' prayers, and our own prayers, I am learning to be faithful, learning to endure and learning to be patient. Most importantly I am learning that I am doing a fine job - Cecelia has a good mom who loves her more than anything and wants what's best for her. There's nothing that can replace that. I am doing well, and I can rest knowing that my best is all that can be expecting, and all that she requires. I cannot even explain the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders in a matter of only two days. It's a tiny miracle, and one that I am so so grateful for.
Apr 29, 2014
A Learning Curve
I have always mildly dealt with anxiety in my life - who hasn't? I have a way I like things done, a way that I feel comfortable, and an order to my life that I really need to have to function optimally. Since having a baby, just about all of those things has gone out the window. It's been really hard for me to not be able to have a clean living room all the time, to have little tiny baby things around all the time; to have clean laundry sitting in baskets and not getting folded; to watch Cecelia squirm and squawk and not really know what to do to help her. I've really had to do some adjusting in the way my brain works and copes. I'm okay with that, it's to be expected. But there is more than that - anxiety I was not expecting.
Before Cecelia was born I met with a social worker at the hospital, as a routine visit that they have set up for all moms. In the visit we talked a little bit about postpartum depression - something that has always been talked about around my house, and has been on my radar since getting ready to have our baby. Something she told me about that was new to me though was postpartum anxiety - the worrying too much and the stressing too much, as opposed to the distance and inability to manage that I was familiar with. I am so grateful she mentioned this to me.
As a mother, and especially a first time mother, we worry about our children. We wish it was possible for them to go throughout life never feeling pain or sadness or stress of any kind. We wish they could just stay as the perfect little being that were sent to us to start. You hope you can be the best they need, and that you will never be the cause for any pain or hurt to come to them. As you go on, even in the first couple of days and weeks, you quickly realise this is not possible. Still, you always want the very best for them and hope you're doing what they need to get that. This is normal. It's hard though to find and draw the line between this and the anxiety. When these thoughts and concerns consume you and frustrate your daily activities and other relationships, it's too much.
The conversation I had with that social worker before Cecelia was born has stuck with me, and I am so grateful it has. I have recently been toying with that line of what is reasonable motherly worry, and what is too much, and it's not a fun or easy place to be.
A week or so ago I was carrying Cecelia in her car seat and saw her head rocking a little bit, and suddenly out of no where found myself skipping from one scenario to another that could come of this, and before I knew it I was legitimately worried I was going to give my baby syndrome. Even now as I'm typing these things I know it's ridiculous, but the worry and the fear is still there. Lately I have found myself noticing something small and then going step by step from that to something catastrophic and horrific in my mind. This is not normal. I sit with Cecelia and hold her, and there are times when I cannot even enjoy her because I've convinced myself that it will hurt to much when (as if it is inevitable) something bad happens. I would watch Eric with Cecelia, when he has always always been a great father and care giver to her, and think that there's no way he can take care of her the way I can - that no one is capable of taking care of her as well I am. These things are not normal and they are not easy thoughts to conquer.
I am so grateful I was able to recognize all of this now, before it gets too hard to see. Eric and I had a good talk about it, and he had already started to recognize it as well. We've been working together on a bit of a system for him to be able to tell me, without me getting hurt or offended, "this is going to be okay, and you don't need to worry anymore about it." This is only a temporary fix. I know that I will need more help than this to get through this, and plan to visit with my doctor soon to address it, but it is amazing what family support and encouragement can do for your mental strength and health. My husband is amazing. My mom and my mother-in-law are fabulous. Even the men in my extended family have helped me to be strong and to cope. I am so grateful I have all of them, and that I know that this is manageable. Anxiety can be crippling, but it doesn't have to be. It does not have to be the end of the world.
So by default I have been absent from most all areas of the outside world. I have been working on a special project that I am really excited about - mostly in an effort to distract my mind and keep it from wondering, and also to give me something I can do for me while Cecelia doesn't need my immediate attention. I have ignored blogging, and have completely disappeared from Instagram. Hopefully I am back for a while now though, because I need those outlets and I need to have the social interaction I've felt like I cannot have lately.
Before Cecelia was born I met with a social worker at the hospital, as a routine visit that they have set up for all moms. In the visit we talked a little bit about postpartum depression - something that has always been talked about around my house, and has been on my radar since getting ready to have our baby. Something she told me about that was new to me though was postpartum anxiety - the worrying too much and the stressing too much, as opposed to the distance and inability to manage that I was familiar with. I am so grateful she mentioned this to me.
As a mother, and especially a first time mother, we worry about our children. We wish it was possible for them to go throughout life never feeling pain or sadness or stress of any kind. We wish they could just stay as the perfect little being that were sent to us to start. You hope you can be the best they need, and that you will never be the cause for any pain or hurt to come to them. As you go on, even in the first couple of days and weeks, you quickly realise this is not possible. Still, you always want the very best for them and hope you're doing what they need to get that. This is normal. It's hard though to find and draw the line between this and the anxiety. When these thoughts and concerns consume you and frustrate your daily activities and other relationships, it's too much.
The conversation I had with that social worker before Cecelia was born has stuck with me, and I am so grateful it has. I have recently been toying with that line of what is reasonable motherly worry, and what is too much, and it's not a fun or easy place to be.
A week or so ago I was carrying Cecelia in her car seat and saw her head rocking a little bit, and suddenly out of no where found myself skipping from one scenario to another that could come of this, and before I knew it I was legitimately worried I was going to give my baby syndrome. Even now as I'm typing these things I know it's ridiculous, but the worry and the fear is still there. Lately I have found myself noticing something small and then going step by step from that to something catastrophic and horrific in my mind. This is not normal. I sit with Cecelia and hold her, and there are times when I cannot even enjoy her because I've convinced myself that it will hurt to much when (as if it is inevitable) something bad happens. I would watch Eric with Cecelia, when he has always always been a great father and care giver to her, and think that there's no way he can take care of her the way I can - that no one is capable of taking care of her as well I am. These things are not normal and they are not easy thoughts to conquer.
I am so grateful I was able to recognize all of this now, before it gets too hard to see. Eric and I had a good talk about it, and he had already started to recognize it as well. We've been working together on a bit of a system for him to be able to tell me, without me getting hurt or offended, "this is going to be okay, and you don't need to worry anymore about it." This is only a temporary fix. I know that I will need more help than this to get through this, and plan to visit with my doctor soon to address it, but it is amazing what family support and encouragement can do for your mental strength and health. My husband is amazing. My mom and my mother-in-law are fabulous. Even the men in my extended family have helped me to be strong and to cope. I am so grateful I have all of them, and that I know that this is manageable. Anxiety can be crippling, but it doesn't have to be. It does not have to be the end of the world.
So by default I have been absent from most all areas of the outside world. I have been working on a special project that I am really excited about - mostly in an effort to distract my mind and keep it from wondering, and also to give me something I can do for me while Cecelia doesn't need my immediate attention. I have ignored blogging, and have completely disappeared from Instagram. Hopefully I am back for a while now though, because I need those outlets and I need to have the social interaction I've felt like I cannot have lately.
Apr 21, 2014
#BecauseOfHim
This is the perfect time to think of and be so so grateful for all that I enjoy in my life because of Jesus Christ. I appreciate His perfect example of love, faith, hope and service that I strive to live like daily. I love that He was willing to follow His Father in Heaven so closely and do all that was required of Him. I am grateful for all that He did to help us to return to our Father in Heaven some day as well. I am grateful that I know who He is, grateful that I know that life is eternal, and grateful that I have felt His love for me.
He changed everything. He made all of what I enjoy and find comfort in possible. He made it so that this life is not just an imperfect human experience, but a brief moment in something so much bigger than that. Perhaps the thing that I am most grateful for is my family, and because of Him I will get to live with Eric, Cecelia and any future additions to our family forever.
I love Him with all my heart, and I know He loves me. That's what it's all about.
He changed everything. He made all of what I enjoy and find comfort in possible. He made it so that this life is not just an imperfect human experience, but a brief moment in something so much bigger than that. Perhaps the thing that I am most grateful for is my family, and because of Him I will get to live with Eric, Cecelia and any future additions to our family forever.
I love Him with all my heart, and I know He loves me. That's what it's all about.
Apr 8, 2014
Bottle
I saw my midwives a few weeks ago for help with nursing and, as always happens in front of them, Cecelia latched perfectly and fed flawlessly. Of course I love when this happens, but the trouble is that it never happens at home. I've been through this more than a couple of times with them and her. They have a hard time helping me when everything seems to be perfect when they try. By the end of the appointment I was in tears because I'm just so tired of trying and failing and not knowing how to get the help that I need. I have been so sore for so long and I am tired of and resenting breast feeding. I don't want it to be like this anymore. Because we'd already started a soother at that point, the midwives suggested offering a bottle to see if she'd take it. They asked "do you feel like you need a break?" That's exactly how I was feeling. The yeast infection had been going on for too long. They suggested the bottle and some things to pick up at the drugstore to help.
I have had success trying to pump breast milk and have always had a really good flow. I wasn't sure about a bottle yet. That night was the hardest night I think of my life. I went to an activity at church and it wore me out a bit. I left it in so much pain and frustrated by the conversations I'd had - so many woman say they can relate or they understand or they have gone through or know someone who has gone through the same thing, but no one seems to be able to offer advice or help me solve my problem. Eric was working late and so I went to my mother-in-laws with my breast pump and a bottle I had at the house from my baby shower.
Cecelia has always been a bit of a lazy nurser, and so I think she is just adoring the whole bottle thing. We've been pretty consistent on a schedule of nursing first feeding in the morning, bottle all day, and nursing last feeding at night. This gives my breast most of the rest they need, as well as helping me know how much food she's getting, and gives Eric a chance to help feed her and spend some quality time with her. It's been working really well for her and our family.
The next week I met with the midwives again and was still in tons of pain even after trying everything they suggested. They put me on some heavy duty prescriptions and creams and even a violet dye to suffocate the yeast on me and on Cecelia. We started boiling everything and treating everything. I was taking a total of 15 pills a day, worrying about what I was eating, and stressing about how much she was weighing - it was still really hard.
We are now three weeks later, a month and a half from the start of the yeast and tomorrow is our last visit with the midwives. I still don't feel like everything is settled and in the last couple days I've faced my milk nearly drying up. I am right on the fence of needing to make some big decisions and it's tiring and hard.
Feeding has not been what I expected, and it's not turning out the way I wanted but I am grateful for bottles and how well she's taken them. Whatever happens next is what it is and we'll take it as it comes, but you can't say we haven't tried. I need that feeling to take me into whatever we face next, and really let it sink in and let it help me to feel okay.
Feb 27, 2014
Letter to Grandma
Momma,
I am so glad that you got to visit with us and share all you did with us. I am so glad you were here to share in the experience of Cecelia's birth with me.
You know how I used to think of being a woman and giving birth and even getting married, but the real truth is that there is nothing greater. I used to think that you were silly for just wanting to be a mom, but the truth is there is nothing more rewarding. I used to think you were crazy when you said that you enjoyed giving birth, but the truth is there is nothing more empowering. I used to think you were simple to assume that that's what we should/would want as well, but the truth is that every loving parent wants what's going to bring their children the most happiness and joy and once you've done it for yourself, you know that that thing is family.
That really is what it's all about. Heavenly Father send us here to learn to become like Him. Our ultimate goal is to receive all that He has, and I am more and more convinced that so much of that is His power to create - create life, create worlds, create joy.
So I take back every snarky comment, every time I looked down on you and every time I fought against what you knew to be the best thing for me, becuase I am starting to understand what you felt for me, and there is nothing in the world like it and no way it could ever want to do harm.
I love you so much and am so grateful for all the joy, love, fear, anxiety, hope and aspiration you've felt on my behalf.
I did love always having you handy to help out in those first couple of weeks. I will always remember and appreciate the time you spent here - teaching me all you could squeeze in about how to be a parent. When to worry and when to let her be; how to breast feed and what a normal belly button looks like; that crying is okay, but thinking I'm a bad mother is not. I learned a lot from you while you were here, but really I've been learning from you my whole life.
Now it's time for Cecelia and I to figure it out on our own, just as you had to with me. I have enjoyed these last couple of days with her and look forward to our journey ahead.
love always,
Katherinexoxo
I am so glad that you got to visit with us and share all you did with us. I am so glad you were here to share in the experience of Cecelia's birth with me.
You know how I used to think of being a woman and giving birth and even getting married, but the real truth is that there is nothing greater. I used to think that you were silly for just wanting to be a mom, but the truth is there is nothing more rewarding. I used to think you were crazy when you said that you enjoyed giving birth, but the truth is there is nothing more empowering. I used to think you were simple to assume that that's what we should/would want as well, but the truth is that every loving parent wants what's going to bring their children the most happiness and joy and once you've done it for yourself, you know that that thing is family.
That really is what it's all about. Heavenly Father send us here to learn to become like Him. Our ultimate goal is to receive all that He has, and I am more and more convinced that so much of that is His power to create - create life, create worlds, create joy.
So I take back every snarky comment, every time I looked down on you and every time I fought against what you knew to be the best thing for me, becuase I am starting to understand what you felt for me, and there is nothing in the world like it and no way it could ever want to do harm.
I love you so much and am so grateful for all the joy, love, fear, anxiety, hope and aspiration you've felt on my behalf.
I did love always having you handy to help out in those first couple of weeks. I will always remember and appreciate the time you spent here - teaching me all you could squeeze in about how to be a parent. When to worry and when to let her be; how to breast feed and what a normal belly button looks like; that crying is okay, but thinking I'm a bad mother is not. I learned a lot from you while you were here, but really I've been learning from you my whole life.
Now it's time for Cecelia and I to figure it out on our own, just as you had to with me. I have enjoyed these last couple of days with her and look forward to our journey ahead.
love always,
Katherinexoxo
Feb 24, 2014
Grandma and Grandpa went home to Halifax last night
It was really hard for mommy to watch them go. I thought back on their visit here and really hoped they got what they came for and were leaving satisfied.
I fell asleep for the last couple hours we were at the house. I was woken up and then it was time to go to the airport. Tears filled my eyes as we walked out the door and they stayed there all the way to the airport. Your dad was a great support and just held my hand tight - he knew how hard it would be for me.
At the airport we got out of the car and said our goodbyes. My tears turned to sobs and other tears were shed as well. I know your grandparents wish they could be closer to you. I am so grateful they were able to share your first couple of weeks with us and I know they are too. They love you so much Cecelia and they are never farther than a phone call away - maybe it's actually me who needs to remember that.
Back in the car I noticed that your dad had a few tears too. I didn't mention it to him and I don't really know what he was feeling. Maybe he will miss your grandparents as much as I will, maybe he will miss them for you. Maybe he was just grateful they came, or maybe he was sad to see them go and scared to do this all on our own. I was feeling all of those things. Maybe he was using his tears to support me since I'd cried so many of my own I had nothing left. Whatever it was that he was actually feeling it helped me to have him with me in that moment.
On the way home we played that piano CD that we've been playing in the car since you came along. One song on it called Kiss the Rain by Yiruma always brings a very specific picture to my mind. I'm in my first semester away from home sitting in the computer lab at the university waiting for your dad to come find me for lunch and realizing that I am falling in love with him. In that moment I got the image in my mind of our future together and now here you are. We have been through so much together since that time over 4 years ago and now we have you. You are the future I imagined with him. I shared this with him for the first time tonight. He told me that this music reminds him of the time we spent together in Europe.
Your dad and I have had some hard times together and have always pulled through. We love each other more than anything and that love has gotten us through. Now that we have you that love is more precious and that bond is stronger. It suddenly felt like everything was going to be just fine. We can do it, just the three of us. We can be a family and everything that it includes, and while it's always going to be nice to feel the support of those around us, we are a unit on our own and we can make it together.
Feb 23, 2014
Blessing Day
This morning we blessed you at church. All our family close by and many friends joined us to celebrate you and the joy you've brought in to our lives.
Your father gave you a beautiful blessing with the help of Bishop Keys, Grandpa Pinsent and Grandpa Persson, Great Grandpa Atwood, Uncle Jordan and Uncle Logan and Great Uncle Allan.
You were blessed to be close to your Father in Heaven and savior Jesus Christ and to develop a relationship with them throughout your life. You were blessed to be obedient and righteous and to have a personality that will draw others to you so that they may see the light of Christ through your example. You were blessed to be soft spoken and kind, virtuous and tender.
It was amazing for me to listen to these things being said of my daughter. Your Heavenly Father has a plan for you Cecelia and you have a great big life ahead of you. You will feel love and joy and peace. Sometimes things will be hard, but always know that you have parents who love you, family who care for you, a Father in Heaven who is always looking out for you and Jesus Christ who is always close by. You are a beautiful girl with a lovely spirit. We are so blessed to call you ours.
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| Your granny (mom's mom) made this beautiful dress for your for your special day. The sash around the middle has lace from Mommy's wedding dress on it. |
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| This is Lucy. She is about 3 months older than you. Mommy bought her that dress as a gift on her blessing day, and I bought the same one to save for when you came because I loved it so much. You were matching today! |
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| This is one of Daddt's best friends, Tyson. His baby boy Enzo is only two weeks older than you. We would like you to be friends. |
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| This is Enzo's mommy, Sarah. She has been a good friend to Mommy since we met. |
Feb 8, 2014
February 8th - The Perfect Day
This is the day our baby girl was born.
Baby girl, this day was the most physically demanding and emotionally rewarding I have seen to date. You came as perfectly as we could have planned and I have never felt such a feeling of gratitude and positivity before in any situation. Let me tell you how it went.
5:30 am I woke up to what felt and seemed like I had wet the bed - Odd? Not really. I knew exactly what that was. I woke up Eric and told him, he got my mom and told her and when we were all confident that my water had broken, we called the midwives. Patty answered and gave me guidelines on what to eat and what not to eat and when to call them back again.
I laid in bed for a while longer just paying attention to everything I was feeling. I felt a little nervous that it was all happening right now. Your dad and I had planned to go on a date on Friday night - the last we hoped before you came - but he ended up having to stay late at work wanting to get his job done in case you came this weekend. I felt a little disappointed we didn't get to do that. The most overwhelming feeling though was gratitude. I felt so much peace knowing that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and your father. I felt calm knowing that He was close by and knew our wishes, because we'd made them known to Him. I have been excited for several weeks now to go in to labour and to experience the whole birth process and I was just so happy it was here today. I could not wait to get to the end and meet you.
Having my water break without even a contraction in sight did make me a little nervous because I did not want my labour to stall or your little feet to fall down and have the doctors call it quits, but it was early still so I tried really hard not to worry - to relax and let my body do the work. I got up out of bed after a little while and got in the shower - I wanted to make sure I could look pretty for the pictures I'd asked Granny (my mom) to take all day long. In the shower, around 6:00 am I had my first contraction. It was not pleasant, but not strong either. I yelled for my mom and she wrote it down. We kept track of them all morning in a little note book. My midwives and the teacher of our prenatal class really encouraged us to go about early labour as we would normal life. The process can last a long time and so we are encouraged to try to ignore as much of the beginning as we can, to not wear out too early. I got out of the shower, did my hair and makeup, got dressed and took some final belly pictures. Contractions were getting stronger, but not much closer together at this point. Around 7:00 am I called the midwife back and asked her if I could eat a little something for breakfast, because I was already so hungry. She told me to eat easily digestible foods and drink a lot of clear fluids. I did that, and at 7:40 am I had a longer contraction (about 45 seconds) and then threw it all back up again. That was not pleasant, and did not make me very happy. From about 8:00 am to about 10:30 am contractions were coming about every 10 minutes and they were lasting about 45 seconds to a minute. At some point I became so overwhelmed and just started to cry. I said to your Dad, "I don't think I can do this - it's too hard". Your dad went and got a little dress that I bought for you. He gave it to me and said "look at what you're doing right now. Think about what you're doing. Our daughter is coming today". Anytime I felt like things were getting to hard, or that I couldn't do it, he showed me this little dress. Your Grandma also did an energy balance for me, and as I read the words she wrote I started to cry - I was so excited and so ready and so focused on meeting you that I knew whatever was to come I could do it. I was excited to do it!
At 10:30 am Julie phoned (she's our favourite shh - we know her the best) and said that she and Tiffany (a student midwife) were coming and would be there in about 25 minutes. We explained to her how the morning was going, and she said I was only allowed to stay in bed and rest until she got there and then it would be time to get up and work hard.
She got there around 11:00 am or so, and so did Grandma (your dad's mom). She came in and asked what we needed, and then made a run to the store for a bunch of different juices, some popsicles and ginger ale. At that point I lost all track of time, and have really only what people tell me to go off, as well as my memories of the big digital clock I kept my eye on in the delivery room. The midwives had be up and moving around, and contractions because stronger and closer together. It didn't take long at all for us to move to 5 minutes apart lasting for 45 seconds to a minute. At 11:55 am the midwife checked me and I was completely effaced and 4 cms dilated with your bum presenting and no feet. They kept listening to your heart and monitoring me for what I really didn't think was very long at all, but was apparently about an hour or so. Around 1:15 pm we all got in our cars and made our way to the hospital. The drive was not quite as bad as I thought it would be, but it was one of the most miserable parts of the day. I was breathing so heavy through contractions that Granny had to get me to focus and zone in on her to slow down - she was afraid I might hyperventilate. We hit a little bit of slow traffic on Deer Foot and I thought I was going to die, but Daddy reassured me it was only lasting for a minute and then it picked up again. We met the midwives there and headed up to the labour and delivery unit. It was a very exciting time - the man in the elevator wished us good luck and congrats on our new addition to the family.
Once in the labouring suite I really lost all track of time, and I honestly can't believe I was in there as long as I was. It felt like only a couple of hours to me.
Around 2:00 pm or so the OB on shift came in and explained to me that she was going to contact her counterpart to come in and be with her, as she was not comfortable with the delivery of a breech baby yet. She said he could be there about 5:30 pm and all I could say was "I can't do this for two and a half more hours!". In the back of my mind I knew it would take at least that long anyway, but it was hard for me to actually try to grasp the concept of going through those contractions for that much longer.
All I wanted to do for most of the day was rest. My midwives were very good though and pretty much refused to let me do that. From that time on, things really are a bit of a blur to me. It's funny how fast the time goes. Once I felt settled in that room and all hooked up to monitors and things I just went in to a zone that was just you and me and occasional visits from Daddy. I really don't remember much else. As I was given directions I tried to follow - reluctantly at times. Dad got his bathing suit on and came in the shower with me for quite some time, and then when we got out I remember everyone being dressed in scrubs. We were going to have to deliver you in the operating room because of the risk of needing to do a C Section. Everyone but grandma was in scrubs - they could only let in so many people. When I saw everyone dressed for the OR I remember a feeling of this is almost over coming over me, and I felt very calm, very focused and very ready to do what needed to be done. The first OB came in and told us that I was 10 cm dilated and that a foot had fallen just a little bit. It wasn't enough for her to worry about and she suggested we take things as is for a while longer.
Things started to progress so quickly after that that the nurse suggested I start to use the laughing gas to slow things down a little bit. (Laughing gas was the one measure I had decided I would be okay with. It has no transfer to you, and it goes in an out of my system as I breathe.) We still needed to wait for the OB to arrive and they wanted to keep me from getting to the urge to push. As the contractions came stronger and harder and closer together, I needed more and more help from my support team. I had your dad at my head holding my hand and letting me squeeze, I had Grandma putting pressure and occasional heat on my lower back and hips, and I had Granny pushing up on my bottom while I was laying on my side. This pressure helped me to resist the urge to push that quite honestly just felt like I was going to have a bowel movement all over the bed - lovely the things we go through! While I was on the gas I tried really hard to stay focused. I tried to use the time on the gas to ignore everyone else and to focus in on my body and what it was doing with your body - working with you to get you safely here. At some point I was checked a second time and the foot was gone and I was only 8 cms dilated. We continued for a little while longer. When the second OB finally arrived and checked me, he said that I was 10 cm but still not ready to push. We had been told ahead of time that we were only allowed to push for 90 minutes before they would call it quits and would do a section. The doctor wanted you as low in my hips and we could get you before I started to push. Time to get up and move around again.
I started by getting up on my hands and knees - suggested by Granny. I was told to come off the gas between contractions and only use it to get through them as they came. It was hard to be off of it because I suddenly had all the noise and chaos of the room around me and I found it harder to stay focused, but as I was up on my knees and using the gas for the contractions I was able to focus back in. My body started to rock back and forth, and I just went with it. I remember thinking "if this is what's comfortable, this is what my body needs to do for you". It worked really well, and we were on our way and ready in no time. The last thing they wanted me to do was empty my bladder and get to the point where there was just no physical way I could not push. As they sat me on the toilet I was honestly really afraid and too tense to do much of anything and it took me a few minutes to get all the feelings sorted out. I finally was able to go pee and told the nurse that I also felt a lot like I needed a bowel movement. When I said that everyone got excited. My midwives kept saying "we're sick people - the things we get excited about". I finally got that feeling - the feeling that I could not stop you from coming. I let out this hideously awful groan and suddenly everyone was hustling and bustling around me. Thing started to move really quickly after that. They got me up and set up on the bed - and took my gas away from me. The OBs came and and took their places. They told me that things were going so well and progressing so smoothly that we were going to stay in that room, and didn't need to take me to the OR. This was really exciting because it meant that Grandma got to stay and Granny got to watch. The nurses got set up, a cart of tools was wheeled in, the baby team got set up and suddenly there were what felt like a dozen people in the room and we were ready to go. Tiffany, the midwife student, was at my head and taught me how to push. She told me to breathe in deep, hold the breath and push as long as I could before releasing the breath. With the release of breath I breathed in again and tried it again. Over and over we practiced this and then it was time to do it for real. I made some noise at this point, and was really glad that I was able to let myself do that. They encouraged me to refocus my energy and not spend it on making noise, but on really perfect and concentrated pushes. The only people I was able to pay any attention to were your dad and Tiffany. He encouraged me, and she directed me. It was perfect. The three of us made a great team and we got you moving really quickly. I started pushing around 6:30 pm.
Your father was a steady hand the whole day. He was an amazing support and I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be with me. He quietly attended to my every need and made sure that my wishes were conveyed to anyone they needed to be. When you started to come though - I have never seen him that excited before; nothing compares to how he reacted in that moment. This part went the fastest of the whole thing. I was surprised by how little it hurt to be honest - it was just the most intense pressure I could possibly imagine or will ever feel my body. My contractions stopped hurting and started to just work really really hard. With every contraction you came closer and closer and your dad got more and more excited. Your bum came first (you silly little thing), then a leg fell out and then the next. Your body slid out and your dad just kept saying "she's right there! She's right there!". At 7:12 pm, when your head came and everything was over, I'm pretty sure he was crying (or at least tearing up) and he cut the umbilical cord.
All I could say is "it's all over!". They took you for just a couple of minutes and then handed you to me and I have never seen anything more beautiful than what I saw in that moment. You were the most perfect little baby I could imagine being handed. Your hair looked dark and curly (which I later realised was just because of all the gunk in it) and your skin was so soft. You were the perfect colour pink and your features were just so lovely. I was instantly in love with you, and more in love than I have ever been with your daddy. We just stayed there and stared at you in disbelief. All that work, the whole nine months and that crazy day - you were finally ours and we instantly loved and knew you.
The rest of the evening was spent measuring and weighing and cleaning and dressing you. Grandpa came to the hospital to visit and the midwives were in and out of our room and another down the hall where they had another baby being born. Tiffany finished up a lot of paperwork and a lot of computer data entry, and Daddy and Grandpa went to the car and installed the car seat (which was still in the box on the way to the hospital).
Your daddy and I sat with you for a few minutes at the very end of the evening trying to decide on your name. We had two that we really loved - one that I like slightly more and one that your dad liked slightly more. We decided not to settle on one that night and left the hospital that night a beautiful family of three.
At this point my camera battery died and Granny had to start using her picture. The next few pictures are really not good, but that's okay. I wish we got a better one of the moment your dad and I met you, but we will never forget that moment so it's okay.
Baby girl, this day was the most physically demanding and emotionally rewarding I have seen to date. You came as perfectly as we could have planned and I have never felt such a feeling of gratitude and positivity before in any situation. Let me tell you how it went.
5:30 am I woke up to what felt and seemed like I had wet the bed - Odd? Not really. I knew exactly what that was. I woke up Eric and told him, he got my mom and told her and when we were all confident that my water had broken, we called the midwives. Patty answered and gave me guidelines on what to eat and what not to eat and when to call them back again.
I laid in bed for a while longer just paying attention to everything I was feeling. I felt a little nervous that it was all happening right now. Your dad and I had planned to go on a date on Friday night - the last we hoped before you came - but he ended up having to stay late at work wanting to get his job done in case you came this weekend. I felt a little disappointed we didn't get to do that. The most overwhelming feeling though was gratitude. I felt so much peace knowing that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and your father. I felt calm knowing that He was close by and knew our wishes, because we'd made them known to Him. I have been excited for several weeks now to go in to labour and to experience the whole birth process and I was just so happy it was here today. I could not wait to get to the end and meet you.
Having my water break without even a contraction in sight did make me a little nervous because I did not want my labour to stall or your little feet to fall down and have the doctors call it quits, but it was early still so I tried really hard not to worry - to relax and let my body do the work. I got up out of bed after a little while and got in the shower - I wanted to make sure I could look pretty for the pictures I'd asked Granny (my mom) to take all day long. In the shower, around 6:00 am I had my first contraction. It was not pleasant, but not strong either. I yelled for my mom and she wrote it down. We kept track of them all morning in a little note book. My midwives and the teacher of our prenatal class really encouraged us to go about early labour as we would normal life. The process can last a long time and so we are encouraged to try to ignore as much of the beginning as we can, to not wear out too early. I got out of the shower, did my hair and makeup, got dressed and took some final belly pictures. Contractions were getting stronger, but not much closer together at this point. Around 7:00 am I called the midwife back and asked her if I could eat a little something for breakfast, because I was already so hungry. She told me to eat easily digestible foods and drink a lot of clear fluids. I did that, and at 7:40 am I had a longer contraction (about 45 seconds) and then threw it all back up again. That was not pleasant, and did not make me very happy. From about 8:00 am to about 10:30 am contractions were coming about every 10 minutes and they were lasting about 45 seconds to a minute. At some point I became so overwhelmed and just started to cry. I said to your Dad, "I don't think I can do this - it's too hard". Your dad went and got a little dress that I bought for you. He gave it to me and said "look at what you're doing right now. Think about what you're doing. Our daughter is coming today". Anytime I felt like things were getting to hard, or that I couldn't do it, he showed me this little dress. Your Grandma also did an energy balance for me, and as I read the words she wrote I started to cry - I was so excited and so ready and so focused on meeting you that I knew whatever was to come I could do it. I was excited to do it!
At 10:30 am Julie phoned (she's our favourite shh - we know her the best) and said that she and Tiffany (a student midwife) were coming and would be there in about 25 minutes. We explained to her how the morning was going, and she said I was only allowed to stay in bed and rest until she got there and then it would be time to get up and work hard.
She got there around 11:00 am or so, and so did Grandma (your dad's mom). She came in and asked what we needed, and then made a run to the store for a bunch of different juices, some popsicles and ginger ale. At that point I lost all track of time, and have really only what people tell me to go off, as well as my memories of the big digital clock I kept my eye on in the delivery room. The midwives had be up and moving around, and contractions because stronger and closer together. It didn't take long at all for us to move to 5 minutes apart lasting for 45 seconds to a minute. At 11:55 am the midwife checked me and I was completely effaced and 4 cms dilated with your bum presenting and no feet. They kept listening to your heart and monitoring me for what I really didn't think was very long at all, but was apparently about an hour or so. Around 1:15 pm we all got in our cars and made our way to the hospital. The drive was not quite as bad as I thought it would be, but it was one of the most miserable parts of the day. I was breathing so heavy through contractions that Granny had to get me to focus and zone in on her to slow down - she was afraid I might hyperventilate. We hit a little bit of slow traffic on Deer Foot and I thought I was going to die, but Daddy reassured me it was only lasting for a minute and then it picked up again. We met the midwives there and headed up to the labour and delivery unit. It was a very exciting time - the man in the elevator wished us good luck and congrats on our new addition to the family.
Once in the labouring suite I really lost all track of time, and I honestly can't believe I was in there as long as I was. It felt like only a couple of hours to me.
Around 2:00 pm or so the OB on shift came in and explained to me that she was going to contact her counterpart to come in and be with her, as she was not comfortable with the delivery of a breech baby yet. She said he could be there about 5:30 pm and all I could say was "I can't do this for two and a half more hours!". In the back of my mind I knew it would take at least that long anyway, but it was hard for me to actually try to grasp the concept of going through those contractions for that much longer.
All I wanted to do for most of the day was rest. My midwives were very good though and pretty much refused to let me do that. From that time on, things really are a bit of a blur to me. It's funny how fast the time goes. Once I felt settled in that room and all hooked up to monitors and things I just went in to a zone that was just you and me and occasional visits from Daddy. I really don't remember much else. As I was given directions I tried to follow - reluctantly at times. Dad got his bathing suit on and came in the shower with me for quite some time, and then when we got out I remember everyone being dressed in scrubs. We were going to have to deliver you in the operating room because of the risk of needing to do a C Section. Everyone but grandma was in scrubs - they could only let in so many people. When I saw everyone dressed for the OR I remember a feeling of this is almost over coming over me, and I felt very calm, very focused and very ready to do what needed to be done. The first OB came in and told us that I was 10 cm dilated and that a foot had fallen just a little bit. It wasn't enough for her to worry about and she suggested we take things as is for a while longer.
Things started to progress so quickly after that that the nurse suggested I start to use the laughing gas to slow things down a little bit. (Laughing gas was the one measure I had decided I would be okay with. It has no transfer to you, and it goes in an out of my system as I breathe.) We still needed to wait for the OB to arrive and they wanted to keep me from getting to the urge to push. As the contractions came stronger and harder and closer together, I needed more and more help from my support team. I had your dad at my head holding my hand and letting me squeeze, I had Grandma putting pressure and occasional heat on my lower back and hips, and I had Granny pushing up on my bottom while I was laying on my side. This pressure helped me to resist the urge to push that quite honestly just felt like I was going to have a bowel movement all over the bed - lovely the things we go through! While I was on the gas I tried really hard to stay focused. I tried to use the time on the gas to ignore everyone else and to focus in on my body and what it was doing with your body - working with you to get you safely here. At some point I was checked a second time and the foot was gone and I was only 8 cms dilated. We continued for a little while longer. When the second OB finally arrived and checked me, he said that I was 10 cm but still not ready to push. We had been told ahead of time that we were only allowed to push for 90 minutes before they would call it quits and would do a section. The doctor wanted you as low in my hips and we could get you before I started to push. Time to get up and move around again.
I started by getting up on my hands and knees - suggested by Granny. I was told to come off the gas between contractions and only use it to get through them as they came. It was hard to be off of it because I suddenly had all the noise and chaos of the room around me and I found it harder to stay focused, but as I was up on my knees and using the gas for the contractions I was able to focus back in. My body started to rock back and forth, and I just went with it. I remember thinking "if this is what's comfortable, this is what my body needs to do for you". It worked really well, and we were on our way and ready in no time. The last thing they wanted me to do was empty my bladder and get to the point where there was just no physical way I could not push. As they sat me on the toilet I was honestly really afraid and too tense to do much of anything and it took me a few minutes to get all the feelings sorted out. I finally was able to go pee and told the nurse that I also felt a lot like I needed a bowel movement. When I said that everyone got excited. My midwives kept saying "we're sick people - the things we get excited about". I finally got that feeling - the feeling that I could not stop you from coming. I let out this hideously awful groan and suddenly everyone was hustling and bustling around me. Thing started to move really quickly after that. They got me up and set up on the bed - and took my gas away from me. The OBs came and and took their places. They told me that things were going so well and progressing so smoothly that we were going to stay in that room, and didn't need to take me to the OR. This was really exciting because it meant that Grandma got to stay and Granny got to watch. The nurses got set up, a cart of tools was wheeled in, the baby team got set up and suddenly there were what felt like a dozen people in the room and we were ready to go. Tiffany, the midwife student, was at my head and taught me how to push. She told me to breathe in deep, hold the breath and push as long as I could before releasing the breath. With the release of breath I breathed in again and tried it again. Over and over we practiced this and then it was time to do it for real. I made some noise at this point, and was really glad that I was able to let myself do that. They encouraged me to refocus my energy and not spend it on making noise, but on really perfect and concentrated pushes. The only people I was able to pay any attention to were your dad and Tiffany. He encouraged me, and she directed me. It was perfect. The three of us made a great team and we got you moving really quickly. I started pushing around 6:30 pm.
Your father was a steady hand the whole day. He was an amazing support and I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be with me. He quietly attended to my every need and made sure that my wishes were conveyed to anyone they needed to be. When you started to come though - I have never seen him that excited before; nothing compares to how he reacted in that moment. This part went the fastest of the whole thing. I was surprised by how little it hurt to be honest - it was just the most intense pressure I could possibly imagine or will ever feel my body. My contractions stopped hurting and started to just work really really hard. With every contraction you came closer and closer and your dad got more and more excited. Your bum came first (you silly little thing), then a leg fell out and then the next. Your body slid out and your dad just kept saying "she's right there! She's right there!". At 7:12 pm, when your head came and everything was over, I'm pretty sure he was crying (or at least tearing up) and he cut the umbilical cord.
All I could say is "it's all over!". They took you for just a couple of minutes and then handed you to me and I have never seen anything more beautiful than what I saw in that moment. You were the most perfect little baby I could imagine being handed. Your hair looked dark and curly (which I later realised was just because of all the gunk in it) and your skin was so soft. You were the perfect colour pink and your features were just so lovely. I was instantly in love with you, and more in love than I have ever been with your daddy. We just stayed there and stared at you in disbelief. All that work, the whole nine months and that crazy day - you were finally ours and we instantly loved and knew you.
The rest of the evening was spent measuring and weighing and cleaning and dressing you. Grandpa came to the hospital to visit and the midwives were in and out of our room and another down the hall where they had another baby being born. Tiffany finished up a lot of paperwork and a lot of computer data entry, and Daddy and Grandpa went to the car and installed the car seat (which was still in the box on the way to the hospital).
Your daddy and I sat with you for a few minutes at the very end of the evening trying to decide on your name. We had two that we really loved - one that I like slightly more and one that your dad liked slightly more. We decided not to settle on one that night and left the hospital that night a beautiful family of three.
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