Bottle

I saw my midwives a few weeks ago for help with nursing and, as always happens in front of them, Cecelia latched perfectly and fed flawlessly. Of course I love when this happens, but the trouble is that it never happens at home. I've been through this more than a couple of times with them and her. They have a hard time helping me when everything seems to be perfect when they try. By the end of the appointment I was in tears because I'm just so tired of trying and failing and not knowing how to get the help that I need. I have been so sore for so long and I am tired of and resenting breast feeding. I don't want it to be like this anymore. Because we'd already started a soother at that point, the midwives suggested offering a bottle to see if she'd take it. They asked "do you feel like you need a break?" That's exactly how I was feeling. The yeast infection had been going on for too long. They suggested the bottle and some things to pick up at the drugstore to help.

I have had success trying to pump breast milk and have always had a really good flow. I wasn't sure about a bottle yet. That night was the hardest night I think of my life. I went to an activity at church and it wore me out a bit. I left it in so much pain and frustrated by the conversations I'd had - so many woman say they can relate or they understand or they have gone through or know someone who has gone through the same thing, but no one seems to be able to offer advice or help me solve my problem. Eric was working late and so I went to my mother-in-laws with my breast pump and a bottle I had at the house from my baby shower.

Cecelia has always been a bit of a lazy nurser, and so I think she is just adoring the whole bottle thing. We've been pretty consistent on a schedule of nursing first feeding in the morning, bottle all day, and nursing last feeding at night. This gives my breast most of the rest they need, as well as helping me know how much food she's getting, and gives Eric a chance to help feed her and spend some quality time with her. It's been working really well for her and our family. 

The next week I met with the midwives again and was still in tons of pain even after trying everything they suggested. They put me on some heavy duty prescriptions and creams and even a violet dye to suffocate the yeast on me and on Cecelia. We started boiling everything and treating everything. I was taking a total of 15 pills a day, worrying about what I was eating, and stressing about how much she was weighing - it was still really hard. 

We are now three weeks later, a month and a half from the start of the yeast and tomorrow is our last visit with the midwives. I still don't feel like everything is settled and in the last couple days I've faced my milk nearly drying up. I am right on the fence of needing to make some big decisions and it's tiring and hard. 

Feeding has not been what I expected, and it's not turning out the way I wanted but I am grateful for bottles and how well she's taken them. Whatever happens next is what it is and we'll take it as it comes, but you can't say we haven't tried. I need that feeling to take me into whatever we face next, and really let it sink in and let it help me to feel okay.