When Isla was born, in March, our lives as a family became very different. My life became very different. I was grateful and excited to have a brand new baby, but things seemed harder now than ever before - and they were. I did not adjust easily to having two children - and maybe I'm still not even used to it. Suddenly the people needing my attention out numbered me, and that was really hard. It seemed to be even harder than it should have been though, and it seemed to bring me less joy than I had hoped for.
I knew in the back of my mind that I was probably a prime candidate for postpartum depression - I've had depression myself before and it runs through my family history. It took me a long time though to realize and that that could be what was getting me down. It felt different than I expected or imagined. It was a very dark and frustrating time for me, and even to write it down now it is scary to face and admit to the things that went on in my mind and in my actions.
My depression in the past has been a lot of crying and a lot of shutting down and a lot of staying in bed. This time was very different. I was so so angry - all the time. I was angry when my baby woke up during the night. I was angry when my two year old didn't put her shoes on right away. I was angry because my husband couldn't possibly understand what I was feeling. I was angry that he would never have to be pregnant. I was angry with my body and with my mind. I was angry with myself. I was angry with God.
I did and said things as a parent that I hoped I would never ever do. Things that I am ashamed to remember right now. Suddenly any little thing was setting me off. I would be swearing in my head when I came to a yellow light. I was frantic and scattered all the time. This felt like the new me and suddenly I started to feel like I was never meant to be a wife or to have children. I felt like I had gotten myself in over my head and that I had chosen the wrong path for my life. I started to resent ever having the children I have - the beautiful and wonderful little girls who have blessed my life so much. That is when I started to feel like maybe this was not the way it was supposed to be. I hoped with all my energy that it was something that could change.
At my two month vaccination appointments with Isla, the nurse gave me a screening test for postpartum depression. I am grateful that by this point I had realized that I maybe had a problem. I took the time to slowly consider each question and to answer as honestly as possible. When I handed it back to her she was concerned. She asked a few follow up questions and said this needed to be faxed over to my family doctor and that I should follow up with her. It wasn't until about a month later that my girls needed appointments and so I finally made time for myself to go in too and talk to my doctor.
Being a new mom to your 1st, 2nd or 6th child is hard. There is so much to take in and so much to learn each time that it can be quite overwhelming. But when it was hard for me all the time and it was inhibiting me from feeling the joy of motherhood, and especially of a brand new baby, I knew it was a big problem - more than just regular life. I talked to my doctor and she prescribed medication and I have been taking it since then. It is still hard.
The year 2016 was one that brought a lot of hard times for our family. It brought some things that should have felt joyful, but mostly it brought trial. The days felt long, but the year flew by. Looking back on it all, this year feels like a haze to me. A lot of it feels vague and distant - I remember that there was pain and heartache and frustration, but I don't feel it anymore. There are some losses and some pains that I am still grieving, but as the fog of this year is starting to lift I am grateful for what I have come out of it with.
Isla, I am grateful that you have grown so strong and so tender in your first year of life. I am sorry that there are no monthly pictures documented of you and I am sorry that I don't remember exactly when you got your first tooth, or which day you first crawled. I am so grateful to you for your patience and your sweetness. I am grateful for what you let me learn and the ways you taught me to grow this year. Thank you baby girl. This year has meant more to me than you might ever know. And thank you to my other two and to so many others who I love so much, for their patience and love and support. I am ready for 2017.
Showing posts with label new beginnings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new beginnings. Show all posts
Jun 5, 2015
21 Day Fix - Day 5
I have decided to participate in the 21 Day Fix. I have gained weight since slowing down on breast feeding, and I am just not happy with my body the way it is right now.
I visited with my doctor a few weeks ago, before I stopped nursing, and she said that I need to work on getting my body back to being my own before I think about having another baby. She prompted me to remember what being pregnant was really like - it was a challenge. At least in those first three months or so, growing a baby is really really hard work for your body. I started to remember all the nausea, and the days I couldn't make it to work, and the evenings I came home so exhausted I turned it in for the night by 7:00PM. A part of me had forgotten just how bad those things really were - especially since everything after that was a breeze for me. And to imagine doing all that with a toddler running around. No. I needed to change some things first.
So here I am. It started on Pinterest, then with a good chat with some girlfriends, and then Jordena, and then the grocery store. And before I knew it I was getting started on something huge for me. I have never ever in my life stuck with a diet or workout plan - or really much of any personal development plan. That isn't to say I've never started them - boy have I ever started them - I've just never finished them or seen them through to the end. This time I am determined. More than loosing the weight and toning my tummy, I need to promote a healthy lifestyle for myself and my family. This is how I think I will be able to do it.
Things I am hoping to accomplish:
1. I would ultimately love to see myself in at least my postpartum body again. I understand and am aware that not all things can pop back to the way they were before, and I'm not expecting that. I felt great after having Cecelia and I was so proud of the accomplishments I'd made that I was excited about my body and proud of it. I want to feel that way again, and I definitely wouldn't mind looking like that again.
2. As mentioned, I was to promote healthy habits for myself and my family. I like the outline of the 21 Day Fix, because it really does have you eating mostly things that you already eat or have buried somewhere in the back of your cupboard meaning to try some day.
3. I really need to get in to a regular routine of exercise and physical activity. Physical activity helps me feel great, it just is so hard to get started for some reason. I am determined to exercise for the 30 minutes a day recommended by this program, and to continue some kind of routine after that.
4. I would like to change my perspective on health from something I should or have to or need to do, to something I just do.
This program has not been easy for me. One of my biggest challenges is actually eating enough food - believe it or not. I often get to 4:00 in the afternoon and think, "Why am I so cranky? Why am I all of a sudden so short with Cecelia? Why is my body slowing down?". More often than not, the answer is that I've had nothing but a protein drink and maybe a bowl of Cheerios for the day.
Two things: First, this diet is actually making me more hungry than not eating at all ever did. As I'm putting more in to my body, I am finding that it needs even more from me. Second is that when I get really hungry I get really nauseous. When I get really nauseous, it gets harder to eat food - especially vegetables of any kind for some reason.
I am really finding it hard to remember and force myself to eat when I'm not used to it, as well as squeezing in all those portions while feeling a little queezy.
To be perfectly honest, I have not felt better since starting the Fix - I have felt worse. My energy levels seem lower, I am hungry more of the time, and I am feeling a little sick. I am really hoping - and honestly believe - that this is my body reacting to trying to kick those old habit it's become so comfortable with. It's almost as if I'm going through mild withdrawal symptoms, and it's awful. Last night it all caught up with me. I got home very hungry and tired. I ate some eggs and toast for dinner, then got Cecelia bathed and in to bed. Then I finally got to my workout at around 9:15 PM - pretty exhausted to start with. It was cardio, which I have never been very strong in. I got through the workout alright, but as soon as I stopped moving the room started spinning and I basically laid down in my workout clothes until my husband came home - about 1.5 hours later. He helped me get into bed and I was excited to fall asleep and sleep it off. Well that didn't go according to plan. I ended up in the bathroom at about 3:30 in the morning with him by my side. He patted my back and said "You don't have to throw up to reach your target". I giggled. Then I did it anyway, to which he said "Wo! There goes pretty much everything you've eating since you started this diet." Thanks babe. I realized that I've been pushing myself too hard, too soon. I want to loose the weight and I want to see results, and so I am trying so so hard to follow the plan as closely as I can. Modifying the plan to fit my needs and my body is not failing at it. In only 4 days I've already learned some really great tips and tricks and habits that I hope I will be able to hold on to, but I am not doing this to train intensely for anything or to get totally toned muscles, I am just trying to get healthy. Pushing myself as hard as I did last night is not healthy.
This is my progress so far, and a few of my feelings and takes on the whole thing. Stay tuned for more. I will be sticking with it! What's 21 days, right?
I visited with my doctor a few weeks ago, before I stopped nursing, and she said that I need to work on getting my body back to being my own before I think about having another baby. She prompted me to remember what being pregnant was really like - it was a challenge. At least in those first three months or so, growing a baby is really really hard work for your body. I started to remember all the nausea, and the days I couldn't make it to work, and the evenings I came home so exhausted I turned it in for the night by 7:00PM. A part of me had forgotten just how bad those things really were - especially since everything after that was a breeze for me. And to imagine doing all that with a toddler running around. No. I needed to change some things first.
So here I am. It started on Pinterest, then with a good chat with some girlfriends, and then Jordena, and then the grocery store. And before I knew it I was getting started on something huge for me. I have never ever in my life stuck with a diet or workout plan - or really much of any personal development plan. That isn't to say I've never started them - boy have I ever started them - I've just never finished them or seen them through to the end. This time I am determined. More than loosing the weight and toning my tummy, I need to promote a healthy lifestyle for myself and my family. This is how I think I will be able to do it.
Things I am hoping to accomplish:
1. I would ultimately love to see myself in at least my postpartum body again. I understand and am aware that not all things can pop back to the way they were before, and I'm not expecting that. I felt great after having Cecelia and I was so proud of the accomplishments I'd made that I was excited about my body and proud of it. I want to feel that way again, and I definitely wouldn't mind looking like that again.
2. As mentioned, I was to promote healthy habits for myself and my family. I like the outline of the 21 Day Fix, because it really does have you eating mostly things that you already eat or have buried somewhere in the back of your cupboard meaning to try some day.
3. I really need to get in to a regular routine of exercise and physical activity. Physical activity helps me feel great, it just is so hard to get started for some reason. I am determined to exercise for the 30 minutes a day recommended by this program, and to continue some kind of routine after that.
4. I would like to change my perspective on health from something I should or have to or need to do, to something I just do.
This program has not been easy for me. One of my biggest challenges is actually eating enough food - believe it or not. I often get to 4:00 in the afternoon and think, "Why am I so cranky? Why am I all of a sudden so short with Cecelia? Why is my body slowing down?". More often than not, the answer is that I've had nothing but a protein drink and maybe a bowl of Cheerios for the day.
Two things: First, this diet is actually making me more hungry than not eating at all ever did. As I'm putting more in to my body, I am finding that it needs even more from me. Second is that when I get really hungry I get really nauseous. When I get really nauseous, it gets harder to eat food - especially vegetables of any kind for some reason.
I am really finding it hard to remember and force myself to eat when I'm not used to it, as well as squeezing in all those portions while feeling a little queezy.
To be perfectly honest, I have not felt better since starting the Fix - I have felt worse. My energy levels seem lower, I am hungry more of the time, and I am feeling a little sick. I am really hoping - and honestly believe - that this is my body reacting to trying to kick those old habit it's become so comfortable with. It's almost as if I'm going through mild withdrawal symptoms, and it's awful. Last night it all caught up with me. I got home very hungry and tired. I ate some eggs and toast for dinner, then got Cecelia bathed and in to bed. Then I finally got to my workout at around 9:15 PM - pretty exhausted to start with. It was cardio, which I have never been very strong in. I got through the workout alright, but as soon as I stopped moving the room started spinning and I basically laid down in my workout clothes until my husband came home - about 1.5 hours later. He helped me get into bed and I was excited to fall asleep and sleep it off. Well that didn't go according to plan. I ended up in the bathroom at about 3:30 in the morning with him by my side. He patted my back and said "You don't have to throw up to reach your target". I giggled. Then I did it anyway, to which he said "Wo! There goes pretty much everything you've eating since you started this diet." Thanks babe. I realized that I've been pushing myself too hard, too soon. I want to loose the weight and I want to see results, and so I am trying so so hard to follow the plan as closely as I can. Modifying the plan to fit my needs and my body is not failing at it. In only 4 days I've already learned some really great tips and tricks and habits that I hope I will be able to hold on to, but I am not doing this to train intensely for anything or to get totally toned muscles, I am just trying to get healthy. Pushing myself as hard as I did last night is not healthy.
This is my progress so far, and a few of my feelings and takes on the whole thing. Stay tuned for more. I will be sticking with it! What's 21 days, right?
Jan 1, 2015
It's a New Year!
Honestly, I don't think any year will ever shake us up as much as 2014 did (in a good way). Needless to say, I am sad to see it go. Cecelia joining our family was the happiest, most exciting and most rewarding adventure I have faced yet, and the great part is that it will continue to be. 2015 may not be looking as glitzy and glamourous as 2014 was, but it will bring its own adventure, and I am looking forward to it.
I'm hoping 2015 beings me two new sisters, a home of our own, an officially designated CPA for a husband, and maybe even a second baby bump. Mostly I know that it will be another year filled with Eric and I learning together, Cecelia growing, and fun times with friends and family. That's enough to look forward to I think.
I am usually one to take advantage of the new year and to start setting goals and making changes and plans, but this year I'm not really in that spirit. I am taking our lives day by day, and while there are things that I can see that definitely need changing, I not going to try to take those all on right way, just because the year has switched from '14 to '15.
I was inspired this morning looking at a post from a friend of mine on Instagram. She posted a word for the year. I really liked the idea of one general concept driving my year and being my motivation, as opposed to specific goals - at least for now. I think that having the spirit of one attitude in the back of my head will encourage me to make the changes I'd like to see, just a bit better than specific dates and deadlines.
I talked it over with Eric and started to come up with a word. I started with what I'd really like to do a bit more, which is relax. I'd really like to slow down a bit more and soak things up in the moment and not always be rushing around to get things done, or worrying about what my life looks like from the outside. Taking pictures is a really hard thing for me - and is just one small example of this. I would love to take more pictures, but sometimes I think I am taking them for the wrong reasons, and so I get discouraged and don't take the camera out as often as I should. After a little bit of back and forth I realized that my word for this year is ENJOY. I really want to take time to enjoy what I'm doing this year - even if it's busy and fast paced.
I'm hoping 2015 beings me two new sisters, a home of our own, an officially designated CPA for a husband, and maybe even a second baby bump. Mostly I know that it will be another year filled with Eric and I learning together, Cecelia growing, and fun times with friends and family. That's enough to look forward to I think.
I am usually one to take advantage of the new year and to start setting goals and making changes and plans, but this year I'm not really in that spirit. I am taking our lives day by day, and while there are things that I can see that definitely need changing, I not going to try to take those all on right way, just because the year has switched from '14 to '15.
I was inspired this morning looking at a post from a friend of mine on Instagram. She posted a word for the year. I really liked the idea of one general concept driving my year and being my motivation, as opposed to specific goals - at least for now. I think that having the spirit of one attitude in the back of my head will encourage me to make the changes I'd like to see, just a bit better than specific dates and deadlines.
I talked it over with Eric and started to come up with a word. I started with what I'd really like to do a bit more, which is relax. I'd really like to slow down a bit more and soak things up in the moment and not always be rushing around to get things done, or worrying about what my life looks like from the outside. Taking pictures is a really hard thing for me - and is just one small example of this. I would love to take more pictures, but sometimes I think I am taking them for the wrong reasons, and so I get discouraged and don't take the camera out as often as I should. After a little bit of back and forth I realized that my word for this year is ENJOY. I really want to take time to enjoy what I'm doing this year - even if it's busy and fast paced.
Sep 4, 2014
Getting Healthy
On Tuesday I went and saw my doctor and relayed to her my concerns about winter coming and the load I feel I'm carrying. This is not the first time we've been through this - in fact when I talked with her she mentioned she was worried about me with winter coming. I never do well at this time of year.
She told me that she could prescribe a medication again if I wanted, but the one I'm used to taking I can't take while I'm breastfeeding. She suggested I get started with three very important healthy living tips:
1) Plenty of excercise
She suggested I spend at least half an hour outside each day walking or getting some kind of exercise. This is a suggestion I always hate hearing - it always makes me feel like I've been so lazy. I know I haven't been because taking care of Cecelia has been more work than anything else I have every had to do in my life, but I sometimes feel like there is a view amongst those who do enjoy running or going to the gym or doing yoga that those who don't are lazy and don't take care of their bodies. With my extra time I like to take care of my mind - create things, read things, learn things, and sometimes just relax it. I do feel like I need to exercise more, I just find it really hard to find the time, because it's not one of my favourite things to get out and run or walk. I would much prefer weight training at the gym, but that requires a babysitter and so I just need to sort that kind of thing out and make sure this becomes a priority.
2) Sleep
Doctor said that at 6 months, my baby is a good age for sleep training. This was a relief because it is the second time I've heard this from a medical professional (first was the nurse at her immunizations appointemnt), but every book I've read says that 6 months is too late, and the "window of opportunity" as one book phrased it is closed. She says that's not true though, because by 6 months they shouldn't be needing food through the night, they should be able to last until morning. It's just a matter of choosing the method of training them to do that that works best for us as parents, and for the baby. She offered me information on a class here in town that is available for information about these different methods. I think I'm going to need to take that class. I miss my sleep so much, and I can feel the exhaustion taking its toll on me. I don't feel I have the energy to be the kind of mother I would love to be, and so it is best for both Cecelia and I if we can get her sleeping through the night. It will be a couple of really rough nights, for hopefully a great pay off in the end. I know I need to do this, it's just a matter of committing myself to it. That's been the hard part so far.
3) A hobby or some time to myself away from baby girl - preferably something I can create and feel good about. An accomplishment to show for my time.
This I can really feel myself needing. I need something that I can enjoy that defines me as something other than a mother. To be honest, I can count on one had the number of things I've done for just me since Cecelia was born. I miss creating things. I miss time to myself. I miss me. I need to take the time to find myself and what makes me happy again. I love being Cecelia's mother, and find so much joy and satisfaction in this job, but I do feel a little like I'm loosing myself in it. I spend all of my time caring for her and paying attention to her (and feeling guilty when I'm not). I've been really struggling with this one because I don't really know what I want to do. I don't really know what I would want to spend my time away from Cecelia doing. I don't feel like I can leave her without something specific to go to - because then I'm just leaving to get away from my baby and the responsibilities that go with her. That makes me feel really guilty, and has been a real challenge to me. That is not the truth though, and it's not reality.
Reality is that Cecelia needs the best of me, not all of me. I will be at my best if I take the time to take care of my physical body. Reality is, she doesn't need me in the middle of the night as much as she needs me rested and rejuvenated during the day. Reality is, she enjoys spending time with Grandma, and doesn't need me every evening - she needs me all there on the evenings that I'm with her. These are such simple things that Dr. Fletcher suggested to me, and I know they are going to help, I just don't know why it is sometimes so hard to do things we know will be good for us. I do want to feel better though. I do want to get better, and I do want to be better. If these are the things that will get me there - and she seems to think they will be enough - then I need to make the sacrifices now to make them part of my life so that I can see those changes in the future.
This week we started with a few morning walks - chilly morning walks - before it gets too cold to enjoy being outside at all.
She told me that she could prescribe a medication again if I wanted, but the one I'm used to taking I can't take while I'm breastfeeding. She suggested I get started with three very important healthy living tips:
1) Plenty of excercise
She suggested I spend at least half an hour outside each day walking or getting some kind of exercise. This is a suggestion I always hate hearing - it always makes me feel like I've been so lazy. I know I haven't been because taking care of Cecelia has been more work than anything else I have every had to do in my life, but I sometimes feel like there is a view amongst those who do enjoy running or going to the gym or doing yoga that those who don't are lazy and don't take care of their bodies. With my extra time I like to take care of my mind - create things, read things, learn things, and sometimes just relax it. I do feel like I need to exercise more, I just find it really hard to find the time, because it's not one of my favourite things to get out and run or walk. I would much prefer weight training at the gym, but that requires a babysitter and so I just need to sort that kind of thing out and make sure this becomes a priority.
2) Sleep
Doctor said that at 6 months, my baby is a good age for sleep training. This was a relief because it is the second time I've heard this from a medical professional (first was the nurse at her immunizations appointemnt), but every book I've read says that 6 months is too late, and the "window of opportunity" as one book phrased it is closed. She says that's not true though, because by 6 months they shouldn't be needing food through the night, they should be able to last until morning. It's just a matter of choosing the method of training them to do that that works best for us as parents, and for the baby. She offered me information on a class here in town that is available for information about these different methods. I think I'm going to need to take that class. I miss my sleep so much, and I can feel the exhaustion taking its toll on me. I don't feel I have the energy to be the kind of mother I would love to be, and so it is best for both Cecelia and I if we can get her sleeping through the night. It will be a couple of really rough nights, for hopefully a great pay off in the end. I know I need to do this, it's just a matter of committing myself to it. That's been the hard part so far.
3) A hobby or some time to myself away from baby girl - preferably something I can create and feel good about. An accomplishment to show for my time.
This I can really feel myself needing. I need something that I can enjoy that defines me as something other than a mother. To be honest, I can count on one had the number of things I've done for just me since Cecelia was born. I miss creating things. I miss time to myself. I miss me. I need to take the time to find myself and what makes me happy again. I love being Cecelia's mother, and find so much joy and satisfaction in this job, but I do feel a little like I'm loosing myself in it. I spend all of my time caring for her and paying attention to her (and feeling guilty when I'm not). I've been really struggling with this one because I don't really know what I want to do. I don't really know what I would want to spend my time away from Cecelia doing. I don't feel like I can leave her without something specific to go to - because then I'm just leaving to get away from my baby and the responsibilities that go with her. That makes me feel really guilty, and has been a real challenge to me. That is not the truth though, and it's not reality.
Reality is that Cecelia needs the best of me, not all of me. I will be at my best if I take the time to take care of my physical body. Reality is, she doesn't need me in the middle of the night as much as she needs me rested and rejuvenated during the day. Reality is, she enjoys spending time with Grandma, and doesn't need me every evening - she needs me all there on the evenings that I'm with her. These are such simple things that Dr. Fletcher suggested to me, and I know they are going to help, I just don't know why it is sometimes so hard to do things we know will be good for us. I do want to feel better though. I do want to get better, and I do want to be better. If these are the things that will get me there - and she seems to think they will be enough - then I need to make the sacrifices now to make them part of my life so that I can see those changes in the future.
This week we started with a few morning walks - chilly morning walks - before it gets too cold to enjoy being outside at all.
Aug 14, 2014
Throw Back to Utah
I've been going through old old pictures on my computer lately and I can hardly wait to start Throw Back Thursday on my blog. I haven't really done much with this online trend on Instagram or Facebook, but I think it's important for me to document the memories I do have of times past when I didn't blog. I have so many good memories coming, and so many great photos to share. This is where I decided to start today.
When Michelle came to visit me in Calgary in April 2010 we took a road trip with our good friends Eric and Mark down to Utah for General Conference.
The funny part was that Eric and I were actually not good friends at this point - like at all. We had date for about 6 months or so and then broke up and hadn't spoken a word to each other or acknowledged the other's presence for about 4 months - not my idea. We had promised Michelle that she would get her trip to Utah though, and both cared for her enough to put aside our differences and take the trip. What's the worst that could happen anyway right? We can be civil to each other for that - for Michelle. So we met for lunch one day and made the plans to go.
Side note: As mentioned, it was not my idea to not speak to him for 4 months. I would plan to run in to him at school, as our mutual friends about him, and all but stock him to just try to get him to talk to me. I remember the day I walked down the hall and saw him unexpectedly and he said hi and smiled. It was like my whole world flipped upside down - I don't even know if I gathered my thoughts in time to say hi back, but I know I was smiling. So when we met together and decided we would take this trip down to Utah, I saw my window. He didn't know it yet, but I knew that we would be able to talk to each other again - be friends again. I missed him.
So we spent a day in the car on the way there, and a couple days there, and a day in the car on the way back. They were the best couple of days I could remember in a long time. Michelle and I had a blast at Conference and shopping and sharing a room with the snake. On the way back we picked up our other good friends Matt and Ethan, who Eric and I used to carpool with to school while we were dating. It was like everything was back to normal again. We sang the Backstreet Boys (Quit Playing Games With My Heart, which literally just came on my computer as I am writing this right now) and Prozac in the van. I flirted shamelessly with the guy I still loved.
This trip means a lot to me. Shortly after the trip I moved home to Halifax for the summer. Eric and I got very close in the days between this trip and my leaving for the summer, but after I left that was all it was. We talked a lot on the phone while I was at home, but we both saw other people for the summer and we were really just friends after that. When I got back to Calgary in the fall that didn't last long. By late October we were dating again and had decided that this was the time that we'd get engaged and commit to a future together. Who knows how things may have gone differently if Michelle hadn't given us a reason to be forced to speak, to be in the same room (or van) and to spend some quality time together again.
When Michelle came to visit me in Calgary in April 2010 we took a road trip with our good friends Eric and Mark down to Utah for General Conference.
The funny part was that Eric and I were actually not good friends at this point - like at all. We had date for about 6 months or so and then broke up and hadn't spoken a word to each other or acknowledged the other's presence for about 4 months - not my idea. We had promised Michelle that she would get her trip to Utah though, and both cared for her enough to put aside our differences and take the trip. What's the worst that could happen anyway right? We can be civil to each other for that - for Michelle. So we met for lunch one day and made the plans to go.
Side note: As mentioned, it was not my idea to not speak to him for 4 months. I would plan to run in to him at school, as our mutual friends about him, and all but stock him to just try to get him to talk to me. I remember the day I walked down the hall and saw him unexpectedly and he said hi and smiled. It was like my whole world flipped upside down - I don't even know if I gathered my thoughts in time to say hi back, but I know I was smiling. So when we met together and decided we would take this trip down to Utah, I saw my window. He didn't know it yet, but I knew that we would be able to talk to each other again - be friends again. I missed him.
So we spent a day in the car on the way there, and a couple days there, and a day in the car on the way back. They were the best couple of days I could remember in a long time. Michelle and I had a blast at Conference and shopping and sharing a room with the snake. On the way back we picked up our other good friends Matt and Ethan, who Eric and I used to carpool with to school while we were dating. It was like everything was back to normal again. We sang the Backstreet Boys (Quit Playing Games With My Heart, which literally just came on my computer as I am writing this right now) and Prozac in the van. I flirted shamelessly with the guy I still loved.
This trip means a lot to me. Shortly after the trip I moved home to Halifax for the summer. Eric and I got very close in the days between this trip and my leaving for the summer, but after I left that was all it was. We talked a lot on the phone while I was at home, but we both saw other people for the summer and we were really just friends after that. When I got back to Calgary in the fall that didn't last long. By late October we were dating again and had decided that this was the time that we'd get engaged and commit to a future together. Who knows how things may have gone differently if Michelle hadn't given us a reason to be forced to speak, to be in the same room (or van) and to spend some quality time together again.
We printed 4 copied of this picture and each signed it for the others. We assigned each other super powers as well to go with it.
Feb 27, 2014
Letter to Grandma
Momma,
I am so glad that you got to visit with us and share all you did with us. I am so glad you were here to share in the experience of Cecelia's birth with me.
You know how I used to think of being a woman and giving birth and even getting married, but the real truth is that there is nothing greater. I used to think that you were silly for just wanting to be a mom, but the truth is there is nothing more rewarding. I used to think you were crazy when you said that you enjoyed giving birth, but the truth is there is nothing more empowering. I used to think you were simple to assume that that's what we should/would want as well, but the truth is that every loving parent wants what's going to bring their children the most happiness and joy and once you've done it for yourself, you know that that thing is family.
That really is what it's all about. Heavenly Father send us here to learn to become like Him. Our ultimate goal is to receive all that He has, and I am more and more convinced that so much of that is His power to create - create life, create worlds, create joy.
So I take back every snarky comment, every time I looked down on you and every time I fought against what you knew to be the best thing for me, becuase I am starting to understand what you felt for me, and there is nothing in the world like it and no way it could ever want to do harm.
I love you so much and am so grateful for all the joy, love, fear, anxiety, hope and aspiration you've felt on my behalf.
I did love always having you handy to help out in those first couple of weeks. I will always remember and appreciate the time you spent here - teaching me all you could squeeze in about how to be a parent. When to worry and when to let her be; how to breast feed and what a normal belly button looks like; that crying is okay, but thinking I'm a bad mother is not. I learned a lot from you while you were here, but really I've been learning from you my whole life.
Now it's time for Cecelia and I to figure it out on our own, just as you had to with me. I have enjoyed these last couple of days with her and look forward to our journey ahead.
love always,
Katherinexoxo
I am so glad that you got to visit with us and share all you did with us. I am so glad you were here to share in the experience of Cecelia's birth with me.
You know how I used to think of being a woman and giving birth and even getting married, but the real truth is that there is nothing greater. I used to think that you were silly for just wanting to be a mom, but the truth is there is nothing more rewarding. I used to think you were crazy when you said that you enjoyed giving birth, but the truth is there is nothing more empowering. I used to think you were simple to assume that that's what we should/would want as well, but the truth is that every loving parent wants what's going to bring their children the most happiness and joy and once you've done it for yourself, you know that that thing is family.
That really is what it's all about. Heavenly Father send us here to learn to become like Him. Our ultimate goal is to receive all that He has, and I am more and more convinced that so much of that is His power to create - create life, create worlds, create joy.
So I take back every snarky comment, every time I looked down on you and every time I fought against what you knew to be the best thing for me, becuase I am starting to understand what you felt for me, and there is nothing in the world like it and no way it could ever want to do harm.
I love you so much and am so grateful for all the joy, love, fear, anxiety, hope and aspiration you've felt on my behalf.
I did love always having you handy to help out in those first couple of weeks. I will always remember and appreciate the time you spent here - teaching me all you could squeeze in about how to be a parent. When to worry and when to let her be; how to breast feed and what a normal belly button looks like; that crying is okay, but thinking I'm a bad mother is not. I learned a lot from you while you were here, but really I've been learning from you my whole life.
Now it's time for Cecelia and I to figure it out on our own, just as you had to with me. I have enjoyed these last couple of days with her and look forward to our journey ahead.
love always,
Katherinexoxo
Feb 9, 2014
Feb 8, 2014
February 8th - The Perfect Day
This is the day our baby girl was born.
Baby girl, this day was the most physically demanding and emotionally rewarding I have seen to date. You came as perfectly as we could have planned and I have never felt such a feeling of gratitude and positivity before in any situation. Let me tell you how it went.
5:30 am I woke up to what felt and seemed like I had wet the bed - Odd? Not really. I knew exactly what that was. I woke up Eric and told him, he got my mom and told her and when we were all confident that my water had broken, we called the midwives. Patty answered and gave me guidelines on what to eat and what not to eat and when to call them back again.
I laid in bed for a while longer just paying attention to everything I was feeling. I felt a little nervous that it was all happening right now. Your dad and I had planned to go on a date on Friday night - the last we hoped before you came - but he ended up having to stay late at work wanting to get his job done in case you came this weekend. I felt a little disappointed we didn't get to do that. The most overwhelming feeling though was gratitude. I felt so much peace knowing that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and your father. I felt calm knowing that He was close by and knew our wishes, because we'd made them known to Him. I have been excited for several weeks now to go in to labour and to experience the whole birth process and I was just so happy it was here today. I could not wait to get to the end and meet you.
Having my water break without even a contraction in sight did make me a little nervous because I did not want my labour to stall or your little feet to fall down and have the doctors call it quits, but it was early still so I tried really hard not to worry - to relax and let my body do the work. I got up out of bed after a little while and got in the shower - I wanted to make sure I could look pretty for the pictures I'd asked Granny (my mom) to take all day long. In the shower, around 6:00 am I had my first contraction. It was not pleasant, but not strong either. I yelled for my mom and she wrote it down. We kept track of them all morning in a little note book. My midwives and the teacher of our prenatal class really encouraged us to go about early labour as we would normal life. The process can last a long time and so we are encouraged to try to ignore as much of the beginning as we can, to not wear out too early. I got out of the shower, did my hair and makeup, got dressed and took some final belly pictures. Contractions were getting stronger, but not much closer together at this point. Around 7:00 am I called the midwife back and asked her if I could eat a little something for breakfast, because I was already so hungry. She told me to eat easily digestible foods and drink a lot of clear fluids. I did that, and at 7:40 am I had a longer contraction (about 45 seconds) and then threw it all back up again. That was not pleasant, and did not make me very happy. From about 8:00 am to about 10:30 am contractions were coming about every 10 minutes and they were lasting about 45 seconds to a minute. At some point I became so overwhelmed and just started to cry. I said to your Dad, "I don't think I can do this - it's too hard". Your dad went and got a little dress that I bought for you. He gave it to me and said "look at what you're doing right now. Think about what you're doing. Our daughter is coming today". Anytime I felt like things were getting to hard, or that I couldn't do it, he showed me this little dress. Your Grandma also did an energy balance for me, and as I read the words she wrote I started to cry - I was so excited and so ready and so focused on meeting you that I knew whatever was to come I could do it. I was excited to do it!
At 10:30 am Julie phoned (she's our favourite shh - we know her the best) and said that she and Tiffany (a student midwife) were coming and would be there in about 25 minutes. We explained to her how the morning was going, and she said I was only allowed to stay in bed and rest until she got there and then it would be time to get up and work hard.
She got there around 11:00 am or so, and so did Grandma (your dad's mom). She came in and asked what we needed, and then made a run to the store for a bunch of different juices, some popsicles and ginger ale. At that point I lost all track of time, and have really only what people tell me to go off, as well as my memories of the big digital clock I kept my eye on in the delivery room. The midwives had be up and moving around, and contractions because stronger and closer together. It didn't take long at all for us to move to 5 minutes apart lasting for 45 seconds to a minute. At 11:55 am the midwife checked me and I was completely effaced and 4 cms dilated with your bum presenting and no feet. They kept listening to your heart and monitoring me for what I really didn't think was very long at all, but was apparently about an hour or so. Around 1:15 pm we all got in our cars and made our way to the hospital. The drive was not quite as bad as I thought it would be, but it was one of the most miserable parts of the day. I was breathing so heavy through contractions that Granny had to get me to focus and zone in on her to slow down - she was afraid I might hyperventilate. We hit a little bit of slow traffic on Deer Foot and I thought I was going to die, but Daddy reassured me it was only lasting for a minute and then it picked up again. We met the midwives there and headed up to the labour and delivery unit. It was a very exciting time - the man in the elevator wished us good luck and congrats on our new addition to the family.
Once in the labouring suite I really lost all track of time, and I honestly can't believe I was in there as long as I was. It felt like only a couple of hours to me.
Around 2:00 pm or so the OB on shift came in and explained to me that she was going to contact her counterpart to come in and be with her, as she was not comfortable with the delivery of a breech baby yet. She said he could be there about 5:30 pm and all I could say was "I can't do this for two and a half more hours!". In the back of my mind I knew it would take at least that long anyway, but it was hard for me to actually try to grasp the concept of going through those contractions for that much longer.
All I wanted to do for most of the day was rest. My midwives were very good though and pretty much refused to let me do that. From that time on, things really are a bit of a blur to me. It's funny how fast the time goes. Once I felt settled in that room and all hooked up to monitors and things I just went in to a zone that was just you and me and occasional visits from Daddy. I really don't remember much else. As I was given directions I tried to follow - reluctantly at times. Dad got his bathing suit on and came in the shower with me for quite some time, and then when we got out I remember everyone being dressed in scrubs. We were going to have to deliver you in the operating room because of the risk of needing to do a C Section. Everyone but grandma was in scrubs - they could only let in so many people. When I saw everyone dressed for the OR I remember a feeling of this is almost over coming over me, and I felt very calm, very focused and very ready to do what needed to be done. The first OB came in and told us that I was 10 cm dilated and that a foot had fallen just a little bit. It wasn't enough for her to worry about and she suggested we take things as is for a while longer.
Things started to progress so quickly after that that the nurse suggested I start to use the laughing gas to slow things down a little bit. (Laughing gas was the one measure I had decided I would be okay with. It has no transfer to you, and it goes in an out of my system as I breathe.) We still needed to wait for the OB to arrive and they wanted to keep me from getting to the urge to push. As the contractions came stronger and harder and closer together, I needed more and more help from my support team. I had your dad at my head holding my hand and letting me squeeze, I had Grandma putting pressure and occasional heat on my lower back and hips, and I had Granny pushing up on my bottom while I was laying on my side. This pressure helped me to resist the urge to push that quite honestly just felt like I was going to have a bowel movement all over the bed - lovely the things we go through! While I was on the gas I tried really hard to stay focused. I tried to use the time on the gas to ignore everyone else and to focus in on my body and what it was doing with your body - working with you to get you safely here. At some point I was checked a second time and the foot was gone and I was only 8 cms dilated. We continued for a little while longer. When the second OB finally arrived and checked me, he said that I was 10 cm but still not ready to push. We had been told ahead of time that we were only allowed to push for 90 minutes before they would call it quits and would do a section. The doctor wanted you as low in my hips and we could get you before I started to push. Time to get up and move around again.
I started by getting up on my hands and knees - suggested by Granny. I was told to come off the gas between contractions and only use it to get through them as they came. It was hard to be off of it because I suddenly had all the noise and chaos of the room around me and I found it harder to stay focused, but as I was up on my knees and using the gas for the contractions I was able to focus back in. My body started to rock back and forth, and I just went with it. I remember thinking "if this is what's comfortable, this is what my body needs to do for you". It worked really well, and we were on our way and ready in no time. The last thing they wanted me to do was empty my bladder and get to the point where there was just no physical way I could not push. As they sat me on the toilet I was honestly really afraid and too tense to do much of anything and it took me a few minutes to get all the feelings sorted out. I finally was able to go pee and told the nurse that I also felt a lot like I needed a bowel movement. When I said that everyone got excited. My midwives kept saying "we're sick people - the things we get excited about". I finally got that feeling - the feeling that I could not stop you from coming. I let out this hideously awful groan and suddenly everyone was hustling and bustling around me. Thing started to move really quickly after that. They got me up and set up on the bed - and took my gas away from me. The OBs came and and took their places. They told me that things were going so well and progressing so smoothly that we were going to stay in that room, and didn't need to take me to the OR. This was really exciting because it meant that Grandma got to stay and Granny got to watch. The nurses got set up, a cart of tools was wheeled in, the baby team got set up and suddenly there were what felt like a dozen people in the room and we were ready to go. Tiffany, the midwife student, was at my head and taught me how to push. She told me to breathe in deep, hold the breath and push as long as I could before releasing the breath. With the release of breath I breathed in again and tried it again. Over and over we practiced this and then it was time to do it for real. I made some noise at this point, and was really glad that I was able to let myself do that. They encouraged me to refocus my energy and not spend it on making noise, but on really perfect and concentrated pushes. The only people I was able to pay any attention to were your dad and Tiffany. He encouraged me, and she directed me. It was perfect. The three of us made a great team and we got you moving really quickly. I started pushing around 6:30 pm.
Your father was a steady hand the whole day. He was an amazing support and I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be with me. He quietly attended to my every need and made sure that my wishes were conveyed to anyone they needed to be. When you started to come though - I have never seen him that excited before; nothing compares to how he reacted in that moment. This part went the fastest of the whole thing. I was surprised by how little it hurt to be honest - it was just the most intense pressure I could possibly imagine or will ever feel my body. My contractions stopped hurting and started to just work really really hard. With every contraction you came closer and closer and your dad got more and more excited. Your bum came first (you silly little thing), then a leg fell out and then the next. Your body slid out and your dad just kept saying "she's right there! She's right there!". At 7:12 pm, when your head came and everything was over, I'm pretty sure he was crying (or at least tearing up) and he cut the umbilical cord.
All I could say is "it's all over!". They took you for just a couple of minutes and then handed you to me and I have never seen anything more beautiful than what I saw in that moment. You were the most perfect little baby I could imagine being handed. Your hair looked dark and curly (which I later realised was just because of all the gunk in it) and your skin was so soft. You were the perfect colour pink and your features were just so lovely. I was instantly in love with you, and more in love than I have ever been with your daddy. We just stayed there and stared at you in disbelief. All that work, the whole nine months and that crazy day - you were finally ours and we instantly loved and knew you.
The rest of the evening was spent measuring and weighing and cleaning and dressing you. Grandpa came to the hospital to visit and the midwives were in and out of our room and another down the hall where they had another baby being born. Tiffany finished up a lot of paperwork and a lot of computer data entry, and Daddy and Grandpa went to the car and installed the car seat (which was still in the box on the way to the hospital).
Your daddy and I sat with you for a few minutes at the very end of the evening trying to decide on your name. We had two that we really loved - one that I like slightly more and one that your dad liked slightly more. We decided not to settle on one that night and left the hospital that night a beautiful family of three.
At this point my camera battery died and Granny had to start using her picture. The next few pictures are really not good, but that's okay. I wish we got a better one of the moment your dad and I met you, but we will never forget that moment so it's okay.
Baby girl, this day was the most physically demanding and emotionally rewarding I have seen to date. You came as perfectly as we could have planned and I have never felt such a feeling of gratitude and positivity before in any situation. Let me tell you how it went.
5:30 am I woke up to what felt and seemed like I had wet the bed - Odd? Not really. I knew exactly what that was. I woke up Eric and told him, he got my mom and told her and when we were all confident that my water had broken, we called the midwives. Patty answered and gave me guidelines on what to eat and what not to eat and when to call them back again.
I laid in bed for a while longer just paying attention to everything I was feeling. I felt a little nervous that it was all happening right now. Your dad and I had planned to go on a date on Friday night - the last we hoped before you came - but he ended up having to stay late at work wanting to get his job done in case you came this weekend. I felt a little disappointed we didn't get to do that. The most overwhelming feeling though was gratitude. I felt so much peace knowing that Heavenly Father was looking out for me and your father. I felt calm knowing that He was close by and knew our wishes, because we'd made them known to Him. I have been excited for several weeks now to go in to labour and to experience the whole birth process and I was just so happy it was here today. I could not wait to get to the end and meet you.
Having my water break without even a contraction in sight did make me a little nervous because I did not want my labour to stall or your little feet to fall down and have the doctors call it quits, but it was early still so I tried really hard not to worry - to relax and let my body do the work. I got up out of bed after a little while and got in the shower - I wanted to make sure I could look pretty for the pictures I'd asked Granny (my mom) to take all day long. In the shower, around 6:00 am I had my first contraction. It was not pleasant, but not strong either. I yelled for my mom and she wrote it down. We kept track of them all morning in a little note book. My midwives and the teacher of our prenatal class really encouraged us to go about early labour as we would normal life. The process can last a long time and so we are encouraged to try to ignore as much of the beginning as we can, to not wear out too early. I got out of the shower, did my hair and makeup, got dressed and took some final belly pictures. Contractions were getting stronger, but not much closer together at this point. Around 7:00 am I called the midwife back and asked her if I could eat a little something for breakfast, because I was already so hungry. She told me to eat easily digestible foods and drink a lot of clear fluids. I did that, and at 7:40 am I had a longer contraction (about 45 seconds) and then threw it all back up again. That was not pleasant, and did not make me very happy. From about 8:00 am to about 10:30 am contractions were coming about every 10 minutes and they were lasting about 45 seconds to a minute. At some point I became so overwhelmed and just started to cry. I said to your Dad, "I don't think I can do this - it's too hard". Your dad went and got a little dress that I bought for you. He gave it to me and said "look at what you're doing right now. Think about what you're doing. Our daughter is coming today". Anytime I felt like things were getting to hard, or that I couldn't do it, he showed me this little dress. Your Grandma also did an energy balance for me, and as I read the words she wrote I started to cry - I was so excited and so ready and so focused on meeting you that I knew whatever was to come I could do it. I was excited to do it!
At 10:30 am Julie phoned (she's our favourite shh - we know her the best) and said that she and Tiffany (a student midwife) were coming and would be there in about 25 minutes. We explained to her how the morning was going, and she said I was only allowed to stay in bed and rest until she got there and then it would be time to get up and work hard.
She got there around 11:00 am or so, and so did Grandma (your dad's mom). She came in and asked what we needed, and then made a run to the store for a bunch of different juices, some popsicles and ginger ale. At that point I lost all track of time, and have really only what people tell me to go off, as well as my memories of the big digital clock I kept my eye on in the delivery room. The midwives had be up and moving around, and contractions because stronger and closer together. It didn't take long at all for us to move to 5 minutes apart lasting for 45 seconds to a minute. At 11:55 am the midwife checked me and I was completely effaced and 4 cms dilated with your bum presenting and no feet. They kept listening to your heart and monitoring me for what I really didn't think was very long at all, but was apparently about an hour or so. Around 1:15 pm we all got in our cars and made our way to the hospital. The drive was not quite as bad as I thought it would be, but it was one of the most miserable parts of the day. I was breathing so heavy through contractions that Granny had to get me to focus and zone in on her to slow down - she was afraid I might hyperventilate. We hit a little bit of slow traffic on Deer Foot and I thought I was going to die, but Daddy reassured me it was only lasting for a minute and then it picked up again. We met the midwives there and headed up to the labour and delivery unit. It was a very exciting time - the man in the elevator wished us good luck and congrats on our new addition to the family.
Once in the labouring suite I really lost all track of time, and I honestly can't believe I was in there as long as I was. It felt like only a couple of hours to me.
Around 2:00 pm or so the OB on shift came in and explained to me that she was going to contact her counterpart to come in and be with her, as she was not comfortable with the delivery of a breech baby yet. She said he could be there about 5:30 pm and all I could say was "I can't do this for two and a half more hours!". In the back of my mind I knew it would take at least that long anyway, but it was hard for me to actually try to grasp the concept of going through those contractions for that much longer.
All I wanted to do for most of the day was rest. My midwives were very good though and pretty much refused to let me do that. From that time on, things really are a bit of a blur to me. It's funny how fast the time goes. Once I felt settled in that room and all hooked up to monitors and things I just went in to a zone that was just you and me and occasional visits from Daddy. I really don't remember much else. As I was given directions I tried to follow - reluctantly at times. Dad got his bathing suit on and came in the shower with me for quite some time, and then when we got out I remember everyone being dressed in scrubs. We were going to have to deliver you in the operating room because of the risk of needing to do a C Section. Everyone but grandma was in scrubs - they could only let in so many people. When I saw everyone dressed for the OR I remember a feeling of this is almost over coming over me, and I felt very calm, very focused and very ready to do what needed to be done. The first OB came in and told us that I was 10 cm dilated and that a foot had fallen just a little bit. It wasn't enough for her to worry about and she suggested we take things as is for a while longer.
Things started to progress so quickly after that that the nurse suggested I start to use the laughing gas to slow things down a little bit. (Laughing gas was the one measure I had decided I would be okay with. It has no transfer to you, and it goes in an out of my system as I breathe.) We still needed to wait for the OB to arrive and they wanted to keep me from getting to the urge to push. As the contractions came stronger and harder and closer together, I needed more and more help from my support team. I had your dad at my head holding my hand and letting me squeeze, I had Grandma putting pressure and occasional heat on my lower back and hips, and I had Granny pushing up on my bottom while I was laying on my side. This pressure helped me to resist the urge to push that quite honestly just felt like I was going to have a bowel movement all over the bed - lovely the things we go through! While I was on the gas I tried really hard to stay focused. I tried to use the time on the gas to ignore everyone else and to focus in on my body and what it was doing with your body - working with you to get you safely here. At some point I was checked a second time and the foot was gone and I was only 8 cms dilated. We continued for a little while longer. When the second OB finally arrived and checked me, he said that I was 10 cm but still not ready to push. We had been told ahead of time that we were only allowed to push for 90 minutes before they would call it quits and would do a section. The doctor wanted you as low in my hips and we could get you before I started to push. Time to get up and move around again.
I started by getting up on my hands and knees - suggested by Granny. I was told to come off the gas between contractions and only use it to get through them as they came. It was hard to be off of it because I suddenly had all the noise and chaos of the room around me and I found it harder to stay focused, but as I was up on my knees and using the gas for the contractions I was able to focus back in. My body started to rock back and forth, and I just went with it. I remember thinking "if this is what's comfortable, this is what my body needs to do for you". It worked really well, and we were on our way and ready in no time. The last thing they wanted me to do was empty my bladder and get to the point where there was just no physical way I could not push. As they sat me on the toilet I was honestly really afraid and too tense to do much of anything and it took me a few minutes to get all the feelings sorted out. I finally was able to go pee and told the nurse that I also felt a lot like I needed a bowel movement. When I said that everyone got excited. My midwives kept saying "we're sick people - the things we get excited about". I finally got that feeling - the feeling that I could not stop you from coming. I let out this hideously awful groan and suddenly everyone was hustling and bustling around me. Thing started to move really quickly after that. They got me up and set up on the bed - and took my gas away from me. The OBs came and and took their places. They told me that things were going so well and progressing so smoothly that we were going to stay in that room, and didn't need to take me to the OR. This was really exciting because it meant that Grandma got to stay and Granny got to watch. The nurses got set up, a cart of tools was wheeled in, the baby team got set up and suddenly there were what felt like a dozen people in the room and we were ready to go. Tiffany, the midwife student, was at my head and taught me how to push. She told me to breathe in deep, hold the breath and push as long as I could before releasing the breath. With the release of breath I breathed in again and tried it again. Over and over we practiced this and then it was time to do it for real. I made some noise at this point, and was really glad that I was able to let myself do that. They encouraged me to refocus my energy and not spend it on making noise, but on really perfect and concentrated pushes. The only people I was able to pay any attention to were your dad and Tiffany. He encouraged me, and she directed me. It was perfect. The three of us made a great team and we got you moving really quickly. I started pushing around 6:30 pm.
Your father was a steady hand the whole day. He was an amazing support and I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be with me. He quietly attended to my every need and made sure that my wishes were conveyed to anyone they needed to be. When you started to come though - I have never seen him that excited before; nothing compares to how he reacted in that moment. This part went the fastest of the whole thing. I was surprised by how little it hurt to be honest - it was just the most intense pressure I could possibly imagine or will ever feel my body. My contractions stopped hurting and started to just work really really hard. With every contraction you came closer and closer and your dad got more and more excited. Your bum came first (you silly little thing), then a leg fell out and then the next. Your body slid out and your dad just kept saying "she's right there! She's right there!". At 7:12 pm, when your head came and everything was over, I'm pretty sure he was crying (or at least tearing up) and he cut the umbilical cord.
All I could say is "it's all over!". They took you for just a couple of minutes and then handed you to me and I have never seen anything more beautiful than what I saw in that moment. You were the most perfect little baby I could imagine being handed. Your hair looked dark and curly (which I later realised was just because of all the gunk in it) and your skin was so soft. You were the perfect colour pink and your features were just so lovely. I was instantly in love with you, and more in love than I have ever been with your daddy. We just stayed there and stared at you in disbelief. All that work, the whole nine months and that crazy day - you were finally ours and we instantly loved and knew you.
The rest of the evening was spent measuring and weighing and cleaning and dressing you. Grandpa came to the hospital to visit and the midwives were in and out of our room and another down the hall where they had another baby being born. Tiffany finished up a lot of paperwork and a lot of computer data entry, and Daddy and Grandpa went to the car and installed the car seat (which was still in the box on the way to the hospital).
Your daddy and I sat with you for a few minutes at the very end of the evening trying to decide on your name. We had two that we really loved - one that I like slightly more and one that your dad liked slightly more. We decided not to settle on one that night and left the hospital that night a beautiful family of three.
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