Isla, I'm sorry about Postpartum Depression

When Isla was born, in March, our lives as a family became very different. My life became very different. I was grateful and excited to have a brand new baby, but things seemed harder now than ever before - and they were. I did not adjust easily to having two children - and maybe I'm still not even used to it. Suddenly the people needing my attention out numbered me, and that was really hard. It seemed to be even harder than it should have been though, and it seemed to bring me less joy than I had hoped for.
I knew in the back of my mind that I was probably a prime candidate for postpartum depression - I've had depression myself before and it runs through my family history. It took me a long time though to realize and that that could be what was getting me down. It felt different than I expected or imagined. It was a very dark and frustrating time for me, and even to write it down now it is scary to face and admit to the things that went on in my mind and in my actions.
My depression in the past has been a lot of crying and a lot of shutting down and a lot of staying in bed. This time was very different. I was so so angry - all the time. I was angry when my baby woke up during the night. I was angry when my two year old didn't put her shoes on right away. I was angry because my husband couldn't possibly understand what I was feeling. I was angry that he would never have to be pregnant. I was angry with my body and with my mind. I was angry with myself. I was angry with God.
I did and said things as a parent that I hoped I would never ever do. Things that I am ashamed to remember right now. Suddenly any little thing was setting me off. I would be swearing in my head when I came to a yellow light. I was frantic and scattered all the time. This felt like the new me and suddenly I started to feel like I was never meant to be a wife or to have children. I felt like I had gotten myself in over my head and that I had chosen the wrong path for my life. I started to resent ever having the children I have - the beautiful and wonderful little girls who have blessed my life so much. That is when I started to feel like maybe this was not the way it was supposed to be. I hoped with all my energy that it was something that could change.
At my two month vaccination appointments with Isla, the nurse gave me a screening test for postpartum depression. I am grateful that by this point I had realized that I maybe had a problem. I took the time to slowly consider each question and to answer as honestly as possible. When I handed it back to her she was concerned. She asked a few follow up questions and said this needed to be faxed over to my family doctor and that I should follow up with her. It wasn't until about a month later that my girls needed appointments and so I finally made time for myself to go in too and talk to my doctor.
Being a new mom to your 1st, 2nd or 6th child is hard. There is so much to take in and so much to learn each time that it can be quite overwhelming. But when it was hard for me all the time and it was inhibiting me from feeling the joy of motherhood, and especially of a brand new baby, I knew it was a big problem - more than just regular life. I talked to my doctor and she prescribed medication and I have been taking it since then. It is still hard.

The year 2016 was one that brought a lot of hard times for our family. It brought some things that should have felt joyful, but mostly it brought trial. The days felt long, but the year flew by. Looking back on it all, this year feels like a haze to me. A lot of it feels vague and distant - I remember that there was pain and heartache and frustration, but I don't feel it anymore. There are some losses and some pains that I am still grieving, but as the fog of this year is starting to lift I am grateful for what I have come out of it with.
Isla, I am grateful that you have grown so strong and so tender in your first year of life. I am sorry that there are no monthly pictures documented of you and I am sorry that I don't remember exactly when you got your first tooth, or which day you first crawled. I am so grateful to you for your patience and your sweetness. I am grateful for what you let me learn and the ways you taught me to grow this year. Thank you baby girl. This year has meant more to me than you might ever know. And thank you to my other two and to so many others who I love so much, for their patience and love and support. I am ready for 2017.

Throw Back to Michelle's Visit to Calgary

In April 2010, my good friend Michelle came from Halifax to visit me in Calgary. She was making plans to move there herself, and did just that in September of 2010.We had such a blast doing all kinds of things together and looking forward to when she would finally get to leave Halifax and we would get to be roommates.
We made breakfast and then spent a day out in Banff with our really good friend James. 

I did not know this was happening when it did. I take no credit or blame.

We also made East dinner for some of our guy friends and it was probably to biggest of big disasters that can happen in a kitchen. The power was flickering on and off all day - and I think we started cooking late -  and by the time we were ready to eat the turkey was still pink. Eric carved it, and Mark microwaved it plate by plate to cook it all the way through.
We asked our friend James to bring beaters, and he didn't know what we needed them for and brought us a hand mixer used for juice and frothing things. We gave it a try and the potatoes turned in to a papier mache glue paste texture.
We forgot gravy, and before we realised that all the food was going to be a disaster anyway we had to send someone out for it. The only thing that was edible at all was the cranberries from a can. Luckily we had the chance to redeem ourselves at Easter this year. I did a ham instead. It was tasty.

Throw Back to Utah

I've been going through old old pictures on my computer lately and I can hardly wait to start Throw Back Thursday on my blog. I haven't really done much with this online trend on Instagram or Facebook, but I think it's important for me to document the memories I do have of times past when I didn't blog. I have so many good memories coming, and so many great photos to share. This is where I decided to start today.  
When Michelle came to visit me in Calgary in April 2010 we took a road trip with our good friends Eric and Mark down to Utah for General Conference.
The funny part was that Eric and I were actually not good friends at this point - like at all. We had date for about 6 months or so and then broke up and hadn't spoken a word to each other or acknowledged the other's presence for about 4 months - not my idea. We had promised Michelle that she would get her trip to Utah though, and both cared for her enough to put aside our differences and take the trip. What's the worst that could happen anyway right? We can be civil to each other for that - for Michelle. So we met for lunch one day and made the plans to go.
Side note: As mentioned, it was not my idea to not speak to him for 4 months. I would plan to run in to him at school, as our mutual friends about him, and all but stock him to just try to get him to talk to me. I remember the day I walked down the hall and saw him unexpectedly and he said hi and smiled. It was like my whole world flipped upside down - I don't even know if I gathered my thoughts in time to say hi back, but I know I was smiling. So when we met together and decided we would take this trip down to Utah, I saw my window. He didn't know it yet, but I knew that we would be able to talk to each other again - be friends again. I missed him.
So we spent a day in the car on the way there, and a couple days there, and a day in the car on the way back. They were the best couple of days I could remember in a long time. Michelle and I had a blast at Conference and shopping and sharing a room with the snake. On the way back we picked up our other good friends Matt and Ethan, who Eric and I used to carpool with to school while we were dating. It was like everything was back to normal again. We sang the Backstreet Boys (Quit Playing Games With My Heart, which literally just came on my computer as I am writing this right now) and Prozac in the van. I flirted shamelessly with the guy I still loved.
This trip means a lot to me. Shortly after the trip I moved home to Halifax for the summer. Eric and I got very close in the days between this trip and my leaving for the summer, but after I left that was all it was. We talked a lot on the phone while I was at home, but we both saw other people for the summer and we were really just friends after that. When I got back to Calgary in the fall that didn't last long. By late October we were dating again and had decided that this was the time that we'd get engaged and commit to a future together. Who knows how things may have gone differently if Michelle hadn't given us a reason to be forced to speak, to be in the same room (or van) and to spend some quality time together again.

 We printed 4 copied of this picture and each signed it for the others. We assigned each other super powers as well to go with it.