3 Months Old

My Isla girl seems like she has just always been a part of this family. In a lot of ways it's hard to believe it has only been three months with her.
She is growing like a weed! She is fitting size 6 month clothes now, and I am having to make all new headbands for her because her head is growing just as rapidly. (I bet that means she's going to have the brains of the family.) She's got the looks too! This girl's smile can light up any room, anytime, and she has recently started a bit of a giggle too. She has discovered her hands and like to hold and play with toys and her soother. She even intentionally gets one of her toys to her mouth quite often.
I am loving her chubby rolly little thighs lately. Cecelia never had this kind of meat on her, and I am just snuggling and squishing and adoring every little ounce of it.

1 Week Old

I cannot believe it's been one week already since Isla joined us here on Earth. It has really been a roller coster ride of a week though. I have been very emotional lately, and if you strip the experience of those feelings it really seems unsurmountable, but the love I feel for this baby and for the one I already have carries me through the challenges we've faced each day. My adoration for these two little girls has carried me through this week.
Our main struggle with Isla has been breast feeding. She eats like a champ, but we've been through every just about type of pain and cause of pain and discomfort there is. Thank goodness for my midwives and each of their expertise. I've had three of them come by at different times, each offering a different tiny tip that has moved us along one step further. The last puzzle piece was a referral from them to a breast feeding clinic, and it all seems to be coming along. Another visit or two to the clinic, and we should be in good shape - which is something I never got to say in all the 14 or 15 months with Cecelia. Getting this sorted out in the beginning this time will smooth out a lot of wrinkles and frustrations I had the first time around. I look forward to that. One week down, and I am already enjoying looking down at my little nursing babe, and not still cringing and crying each time she latches.
The second major challenge I am facing is a two year old becoming...well, two! She is trying my patience, my tolerance and my mood at every single turn. She has not been a typical "terrible twos" kind of girl to this point. She has always had a very calm demeanor, has listened very well, and a desire to obey. You may be thinking "well then you're finally getting what the rest of us parents are dealing with", but it's been very hard on me. I'm not saying that other parents don't, but I have worked very very hard to have a toddler who acted and behaved that way. I have worked very hard for two long years to develop a relationship of mutual respect and admiration with my daughter. It is something that is very important to me and it is one thing that I value more than almost anything else in the world. Cecelia and I really are best friends - and now she thinks we were best friends. Everything seems to be coming unravelled and I am loosing it all bit by bit. At the same time, I am trying to start to build the same thing up with Isla - it all started from day one. Balancing the physical demands of two kinds is hard enough, I never imagined the challenge I would have balancing the emotional needs of each girl (and myself). I do see it getting better though. As my hormones start to balance out, our sleep schedules start to regulate, and Cecelia's love for Isla grows, things will start to get better - with some hellish nightmare days in between, I'm sure.
The main feeling of the week though is love. I cannot believe how blessed I am to call this new piece of Heaven mine. She is a joy and I am grateful.

21 Day Fix - Day 5

I have decided to participate in the 21 Day Fix. I have gained weight since slowing down on breast feeding, and I am just not happy with my body the way it is right now.
I visited with my doctor a few weeks ago, before I stopped nursing, and she said that I need to work on getting my body back to being my own before I think about having another baby. She prompted me to remember what being pregnant was really like - it was a challenge. At least in those first three months or so, growing a baby is really really hard work for your body. I started to remember all the nausea, and the days I couldn't make it to work, and the evenings I came home so exhausted I turned it in for the night by 7:00PM. A part of me had forgotten just how bad those things really were - especially since everything after that was a breeze for me. And to imagine doing all that with a toddler running around. No. I needed to change some things first.
So here I am. It started on Pinterest, then with a good chat with some girlfriends, and then Jordena, and then the grocery store. And before I knew it I was getting started on something huge for me. I have never ever in my life stuck with a diet or workout plan - or really much of any personal development plan. That isn't to say I've never started them - boy have I ever started them - I've just never finished them or seen them through to the end. This time I am determined. More than loosing the weight and toning my tummy, I need to promote a healthy lifestyle for myself and my family. This is how I think I will be able to do it.

Things I am hoping to accomplish:
1. I would ultimately love to see myself in at least my postpartum body again.  I understand and am aware that not all things can pop back to the way they were before, and I'm not expecting that. I felt great after having Cecelia and I was so proud of the accomplishments I'd made that I was excited about my body and proud of it. I want to feel that way again, and I definitely wouldn't mind looking like that again.
2. As mentioned, I was to promote healthy habits for myself and my family. I like the outline of the 21 Day Fix, because it really does have you eating mostly things that you already eat or have buried somewhere in the back of your cupboard meaning to try some day.
3. I really need to get in to a regular routine of exercise and physical activity.  Physical activity helps me feel great, it just is so hard to get started for some reason. I am determined to exercise for the 30 minutes a day recommended by this program, and to continue some kind of routine after that.
4. I would like to change my perspective on health from something I should or have to or need to do, to something I just do.

This program has not been easy for me. One of my biggest challenges is actually eating enough food - believe it or not. I often get to 4:00 in the afternoon and think, "Why am I so cranky? Why am I all of a sudden so short with Cecelia? Why is my body slowing down?". More often than not, the answer is that I've had nothing but a protein drink and maybe a bowl of Cheerios for the day.
Two things: First, this diet is actually making me more hungry than not eating at all ever did. As I'm putting more in to my body, I am finding that it needs even more from me. Second is that when I get really hungry I get really nauseous. When I get really nauseous, it gets harder to eat food - especially vegetables of any kind for some reason.
I am really finding it hard to remember and force myself to eat when I'm not used to it, as well as squeezing in all those portions while feeling a little queezy.
To be perfectly honest, I have not felt better since starting the Fix - I have felt worse. My energy levels seem lower, I am hungry more of the time, and I am feeling a little sick. I am really hoping - and honestly believe - that this is my body reacting to trying to kick those old habit it's become so comfortable with. It's almost as if I'm going through mild withdrawal symptoms, and it's awful. Last night it all caught up with me. I got home very hungry and tired. I ate some eggs and toast for dinner, then got Cecelia bathed and in to bed. Then I finally got to my workout at around 9:15 PM - pretty exhausted to start with. It was cardio, which I have never been very strong in. I got through the workout alright, but as soon as I stopped moving the room started spinning and I basically laid down in my workout clothes until my husband came home - about 1.5 hours later. He helped me get into bed and I was excited to fall asleep and sleep it off. Well that didn't go according to plan. I ended up in the bathroom at about 3:30 in the morning with him by my side. He patted my back and said "You don't have to throw up to reach your target". I giggled. Then I did it anyway, to which he said "Wo! There goes pretty much everything you've eating since you started this diet." Thanks babe. I realized that I've been pushing myself too hard, too soon. I want to loose the weight and I want to see results, and so I am trying so so hard to follow the plan as closely as I can. Modifying the plan to fit my needs and my body is not failing at it. In only 4 days I've already learned some really great tips and tricks and habits that I hope I will be able to hold on to, but I am not doing this to train intensely for anything or to get totally toned muscles, I am just trying to get healthy. Pushing myself as hard as I did last night is not healthy.
This is my progress so far, and a few of my feelings and takes on the whole thing. Stay tuned for more. I will be sticking with it! What's 21 days, right?

I have been a mother for a year

To be honest, I can believe that Cecelia is a year old. People have been asking me all week "can you believe Cecelia is one?" and I really can. What I can't believe is that I've been a mother for a year. I know that sounds crazy - let me back up.
I have watched Cecelia grow from nothing. For longer than a year now I have watched her grow from a microscopic seed, into a little girl. She has changed so much in the last year, and gone through so many adventures. Some of her highlights this year were learning to eat, to sleep, to open her eyes, to smile, to giggle, to sit up, to roll over, to eat solid foods, to communicate with sign language, to reach for people and to prefer certain people and things, to make connections, to crawl, to pull herself up, to tease and to play. In so many ways I can't believe she's only one. The first year of a child's life is an incredible journey, and they do it so naturally.
What I can't believe is that it's already been a year since I laid in that hospital bed and Eric and I fell so in love with that little girl. There is no feeling in the world like it, and I'm not even sure we will experience it the same way ever again. I know we will love all of our children the same - but do we now know what to expect? Becoming a parent for the first time has got to be an experience unlike any other, and it has given me a whole new perspective on life, on my own parents, and on my Heavenly Parents. I can't believe it's already been a year of that.
I have enjoyed being a mother, maybe more than anything else that I've ever done before. I fell into the roll immediately (although never perfectly) and have never looked back. One thing I love so much about motherhood is it's ability to shape and change all other aspects of my life - for the better - without me even noticing. I was worried about balancing life as a mother, and as all of the other things that I've enjoyed being in my life prior to. I now realise that the lessons learned and sacrifices made as a mother have changed me and helped me to become a better wife, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend, a better teacher, and a better learner. It has taught me to give, to share, to love, to serve, to beg, to pray, to feel, to care and to endure in ways that nothing else ever could. I can't believe it's only been a year of that.
And so Cecelia Kate, on your first birthday I want you to know more than anything else how much I have enjoyed being your mother. I want you to know how much I have loved to serve and teach you all these days, and how I look forward to our years ahead. I want you to know that all that I am and I do and I give is because of my love for you. You will not understand that love until you get to experience it for yourself, but I hope that you have felt it each day this year, and will for each day of the rest of your life.

The song I sing to Cecelia each night before bed: 

You are my honeybunch, sugar plum, pumpie umpy umpkin

You're my sweetie pie. 

You're my cupy cake, gumdrop snookums snookums

You're the apple of my eye. 

And I love you so, and I want you to know

That I'll always be right here, 

And I love to sing sweet songs to you, 

because you are so dear.

Cecelia Climbs the Stairs

One of my biggest worries about starting work again was that Cecelia would learn wonderful things and do fancy tricks while I was away and I'd miss them. On Tuesday she did me a wonderful favour and waited until the minute I walked in the door to show us all that she knows how to climb the stairs now. It was so fun to watch her figure it all out. It's now the only thing she ever wants to do.
My favourite thing to do as a mom is to watch this girl learn new things.

Cecelia Crawls

The whole time we were in Halifax and then in Arizona everyone was trying to encourage Cecelia to crawl. She has been so close so many times, and everyone is dying to be the one who pushes her over the edge to take that first step. The day before we left Arizona, after everyone else had left, we were sitting on the couch and Uncle Kyle says to Cecelia "come here little girl" and she crawled right over to him. It was no big deal - it was like she knew how the whole time and was just waiting for when she wanted to. It was a couple of smooth movements and she was there - from point A to Kyle's lap. Now again, it's all she ever wants to do, and sometimes I turn my back for a minute and forget that she can. 

I love knitting

My mom knits a lot, and she makes beautiful things. She goes in waves of different hobbies, but it seems like when she's in her knitting wave there isn't a time when she doesn't have the needles in her hands. She can knit a little baby sweater in next to no time at all. Surrounded by all of her talent for so many years, I was never interested in knitting.
Now my sisters-in-law knit a lot too. They learned at Young Women's last year, and basically haven't put it down since. They've each knit a couple of nice looking scarves, and this year I decided I wanted to do the same. It was a very quick decision I made. I said I wanted to learn, then I took Elizabeth to Micheal's, got some yarn and needles, and away I went. That was on Thursday evening. By Saturday evening I had half a ball of wool done, but got it so twisted and has added so many extra stitches that I decided to undo the whole thing and start again. I didn't put it down all weekend. On Tuesday I took it on our road trip to Lacombe, and got a lot done there. By Thursday I was done, and it took me a couple days to remember to take it to mom and dad's to have Elizabeth teach me to cast off and finish it up. By the weekend though I had a brand new scarf, and I love it to pieces. Knitting is so much fun, and if enjoying it makes me an old lady, then I don't want to be young again!

Cecelia tries to crawl - while visiting with her aunt Rachel

Rachel came to town today to visit us, and it was a lot of fun to see her. She hasn't seen Cecelia since the very early days, and she has changed lots and lots since then.
For the first time today I put her down on her hands and knees and she stayed there. She actually rocked a little back and forth and we barely caught a picture of her. It was very exciting. She seems like she's really getting close to moving - like she's kind of understanding what she needs to do next to get going.

House Hunting

Last weekend we finally decided to pull the trigger and call a realtor. We have been discussing our need to move from this place we're in for quite some time. We love our apartment, but our floors are polished concrete and with Cecelia starting to move it won't work for much longer for us. We decided that it was time for us to look at buying our own home. So on Saturday night we had a realtor come by and meet with us. We chose the criteria most important to us - location and budget - and started to see what was available in that area. We were looking mostly at townhouses and condos close to the LRT stations.
Over the course of the week, we somehow started to take a look at single family homes. We have heard so much about what a waste of money it is to pay condo fees, and so on and so forth, and so we decided to branch out and get pre-approved for dollar number not including condo fees. With that number in mind I started to look at homes. I found one that seemed really wonderful. It was 6 bedrooms total (altthough the basement was basically unfinished, and 3 of them were down there), two bathrooms, an updates kitchen, plenty of space, in our current neighbourhood, and close to the LRT. It seemed perfect, so I went and took a look at it, and it really was. I got so excited about it, it was all I could talk about for a couple of days. I convinced Eric to go and take a look at it too, and then we were both in love. We came home though and started to work on the numbers...This was at the top of the number that we'd been approved for, and working on the figure, we just could not be comfortable with that number. It was too tight.
The rest of the week I just had this nagging feeling that this was our house though, and I couldn't shake it. I thought about it over and over, all day long. I tried and tried to come up with ways to make the numbers work in my mind. I finally called my mom and tried to talk it over with her. Being married to an accountant sometimes makes me feel that he has the final say in all our financial decisions. It makes me kind of feel like I don't carry much weight, but I just could not shake the feeling I had - something I knew would be hard for Eric to understand and take seriously. So I chatted with my mom for quite some time, and we finally developped a solid plan - we would put in an offer at a lower price, use the rest of the amount we'd been approved for to renovate, and create a second suite in the basement of the house. The house was perfect for it, and it was a great plan. I was so excited about it - I worked all afternoon that day on a sales pitch to my husband. (I even practiced it on my brother-in-law and his girlfriend.) When I got home (it was a Friday night) Cecelia was asleep and so I put her in bed and said to Eric "I really need to talk to you about something". Then I just laid it on him - all about how this was a risk, but I think it was worth it; this could be our chance to get ahead, when he's a bit afraid we'll always be behind; this was something that would be exciting and teach us so much and we really good for us and our family. He was actually sold. He had to mull it over in his mind for the evening and into Saturday morning (which was killing me), but he was pretty much convinced. I felt so good about the whole experience and was so ready to proceed - so excited about my new found courage and determination.
We took the idea over to Eric's dad - who is very logical and thorough in the planning stage of things - and asked for his advice. I said to Eric on the way over "can we please just take your dad's advice as advice, and not as absolute truth. We'll talk it over with him, but then the decision is ours to make." He agreed. Well, Trevor was just as sold as Eric - probably more. We chatted for a little while, and he said "let's go - you guys should put an offer in". We called our realtor to go see it one more time. We brought the whole family this time. Verona even did cart wheels in the living room - which is what I did in the first house my parents bought when I was little. I was so excited, and so at peace. This was our home.
We went home for Thanksgiving dinner with the family and decided we would write up the offer that night after dinner. That was a fun experience - writing up an offer on our first home. There was so much to go over, and so many details to consider. It was a good thing we had a realtor who understood it all there with us. It was very nerve wracking.
Then we got the call...an hour after he left we got the call that someone else had put an offer in right before us and it had been accepted. My heart sank - I was so upset and disappointed. How could that be? It felt so right. The house sat on the market for a couple of months, and was at the new price for 25 days before we got to it. Then all of a sudden someone decided on the same day as us that it was their house - and it couldn't be ours anymore.
We decided to negotiate a back-up offer in case that one fell through at the conditions stage. We went back and forth for a little while, bu the seller just wouldn't budge on her numbers. We wouldn't have been able to afford it at that price anyway, so I guess it just wasn't going to happen for us.
I spent that night and the next day feeling like this was still our house - something was going to happen - some miracle. But it didn't - and it probably won't - and that's okay. We were fasting for this, and so was our family, but this was someone else's turn to find their dream home instead. We will just have to keep looking for ours.
This was not a wasted pursuit though - I learned a lot about myself and about my feelings and about trying to communicate and share those with my husband. This little adventure brought us closer together and strengthened our relationship - and that is nothing to be disappointed about.

More and Momma

Last week Cecelia learned and used the sign for "more". I have been working on teaching it to her since we started with solid foods. We thought she got it for a little bit, but it quickly turned in to just clapping. Last week there were a couple of different times I was sure she has picked it up. She claps with open palms, and she does the sign for more with little tiny fists. It's the sweetest thing.
A couple of mornings last week she woke up early, I fed her and she was so tired she'd fall asleep nursing. I would assume she was done, but she was not. A few minutes later we'd be laying in bed and she would be antsy and tap those tiny fists together. I'd nurse her a little more, and she'd be as happy as could be. It is going to be such a game changer to have a little one who can communicate what she wants and needs. This is just one tiny step, but it felt so nice to understand her, and I'm sure it felt nice for her when I understood and gave her what she needed.
We're still working on mastering the skill, but she's basically understanding it and I am loving it.

Also this week, she made the sound "momma, momma, momma". She started a couple of weeks ago with "baba, baba, baba" and a little of "papa, papa, papa" so I seized an opportunity and encouraged her towards momma. She has made the sound a few times now - mostly when she's really sad and wants to be comforted. I know she's not quite sure what she's saying yet, but I thought it enough to at least make note of. Let me just say that that puts her one step closer to saying Mom before she says Dad.

A big girl bed

Last night Cecelia slept in her very own room. We've been talking about getting her in there for so long, and it's taken so long to make it happen. Her room has been a storage room since we moved in, but now it's a little baby bedroom.
Cecelia really started outgrowing our room a month or so ago when she started to go to bed a little earlier. She used to go to bed at the same time as us, and she used to sleep through the night. We'd hardly even notice she was there. She started to wake up a couple times a night, and now she goes to bed between 7:30 and 8pm. That's when we started to clear out her room and get it ready. We were in the stage of putting her to bed, doing whatever we wanted to do until about 10:30 or 11 and then having to get everything in order, all the lights out and say our prayers in the hall - then sneak as quietly as we could in to bed. Sometimes she'd wake up, sometimes she's stay asleep. So we started to clear out her room and tried to make it a real bedroom, but it was hard with Eric gone so much to really make a good dent in it. Then inevitably everything we'd take out would somehow find it's way back in before we got the whole thing done.
Thursday night Eric and came home and he said, "Cecelia's sleeping in here tonight." I said "What? Tonight?". Why not - we've been talking about it for months. Why not now? I suddenly realised that this was real, and that we weren't going to avoid it for much longer. Then the tears came - the kind that are really hard to stop. I cannot believe how fast Cecelia is growing up. I can't believe how cliche that sentence is, and yet how much it surprises me every single day, which each passing milestone. It is unbelievable. I was really sad that she wouldn't be right there at the end of our bed, right there in the room with us. On top of all that her room wasn't really ready - it still had some random messy spots and boxes in it. I told him I really wanted her room to be her's when she moved in, and for it to be ready and settled for her. I begged him to give me til the weekend, and he agreed.
Yesterday morning we got the crib scrubbed and set up. We got the sheets and bedding on and we got the shelf and boxes moved over from our room to hers. We got it looking like a real bedroom, and ready for the little girl who will sleep there. So last night was her night to take the leap and be on her own. The leap was more of a tiny step for her, and colossal jump for me. I missed her just a little bit, but she did so well. She went down just like she normally would, and woke up through the night just like she normally does, and was ready for me to come find her in the morning just like a normal day. When I went in to feed for her first nighttime feed I really missed her. I held her tight and snuggled her for just a minute before putting her back down. But then I went back to my room and snuggled my husband, and it felt really excited about this step we've taken. Cecelia is growing up, and that's a really good thing. Eric and I get to be MR and MRS again, instead of just MOM and DAD. Our bedroom, which is probably my favourite spot in the house, is finally ours again.

Getting Healthy

On Tuesday I went and saw my doctor and relayed to her my concerns about winter coming and the load I feel I'm carrying. This is not the first time we've been through this - in fact when I talked with her she mentioned she was worried about me with winter coming. I never do well at this time of year.
She told me that she could prescribe a medication again if I wanted, but the one I'm used to taking I can't take while I'm breastfeeding. She suggested I get started with three very important healthy living tips:
1) Plenty of excercise
She suggested I spend at least half an hour outside each day walking or getting some kind of exercise.  This is a suggestion I always hate hearing - it always makes me feel like I've been so lazy. I know I haven't been because taking care of Cecelia has been more work than anything else I have every had to do in my life, but I sometimes feel like there is a view amongst those who do enjoy running or going to the gym or doing yoga that those who don't are lazy and don't take care of their bodies. With my extra time I like to take care of my mind - create things, read things, learn things, and sometimes just relax it. I do feel like I need to exercise more, I just find it really hard to find the time, because it's not one of my favourite things to get out and run or walk. I would much prefer weight training at the gym, but that requires a babysitter and so I just need to sort that kind of thing out and make sure this becomes a priority.
2) Sleep
Doctor said that at 6 months, my baby is a good age for sleep training. This was a relief because it is the second time I've heard this from a medical professional (first was the nurse at her immunizations appointemnt), but every book I've read says that 6 months is too late, and the "window of opportunity" as one book phrased it is closed. She says that's not true though, because by 6 months they shouldn't be needing food through the night, they should be able to last until morning. It's just a matter of choosing the method of training them to do that that works best for us as parents, and for the baby. She offered me information on a class here in town that is available for information about these different methods. I think I'm going to need to take that class. I miss my sleep so much, and I can feel the exhaustion taking its toll on me. I don't feel I have the energy to be the kind of mother I would love to be, and so it is best for both Cecelia and I if we can get her sleeping through the night. It will be a couple of really rough nights, for hopefully a great pay off in the end. I know I need to do this, it's just a matter of committing myself to it. That's been the hard part so far.
3) A hobby or some time to myself away from baby girl - preferably something I can create and feel good about. An accomplishment to show for my time.
This I can really feel myself needing. I need something that I can enjoy that defines me as something other than a mother. To be honest, I can count on one had the number of things I've done for just me since Cecelia was born. I miss creating things. I miss time to myself. I miss me. I need to take the time to find myself and what makes me happy again. I love being Cecelia's mother, and find so much joy and satisfaction in this job, but I do feel a little like I'm loosing myself in it. I spend all of my time caring for her and paying attention to her (and feeling guilty when I'm not). I've been really struggling with this one because I don't really know what I want to do. I don't really know what I would want to spend my time away from Cecelia doing. I don't feel like I can leave her without something specific to go to - because then I'm just leaving to get away from my baby and the responsibilities that go with her. That makes me feel really guilty, and has been a real challenge to me. That is not the truth though, and it's not reality.
Reality is that Cecelia needs the best of me, not all of me. I will be at my best if I take the time to take care of my physical body. Reality is, she doesn't need me in the middle of the night as much as she needs me rested and rejuvenated during the day. Reality is, she enjoys spending time with Grandma, and doesn't need me every evening - she needs me all there on the evenings that I'm with her. These are such simple things that Dr. Fletcher suggested to me, and I know they are going to help, I just don't know why it is sometimes so hard to do things we know will be good for us. I do want to feel better though. I do want to get better, and I do want to be better. If these are the things that will get me there - and she seems to think they will be enough - then I need to make the sacrifices now to make them part of my life so that I can see those changes in the future.
This week we started with a few morning walks - chilly morning walks - before it gets too cold to enjoy being outside at all.

Cecelia Sits Up

Lately Cecelia has started to kind of be able to sit on her own. Back at Abby's first birthday she sat for the first time for just a few seconds on her own. She's slowly started to last a bit longer, and this week she seems to have all of a sudden gotten the hang of it. She sits on her own now pretty much for as long as she needs to. She's still a little wobbly on cushioned surfaces, like the bed or some carpets, but she's doing really well otherwise. She sat at the park on Tuesday for a picnic, she sat on a blanket in the backyard that afternoon. Today she sat at Lucy's house and you should have seen her body trying to move. She was a few steps away from Lucy and her toys, and she tried with every part of her body - from her head and eyes, to her body to her toes - to move closer to her. She is ready to go, and it won't be long now.
It's so nice to have her sitting now, because I think it helps her to feel a little more involved. There is a big difference between leaving her to lay on her back while I do things, and leaving her sitting on a blanket while I'm running around the house. The sitting on a blanket she seems to enjoy doing, and it has made our home a bit more peaceful of a place while I have things to do in the kitchen.

6 Month Shots

Today Cecelia got her 6 month shots and she took it like a champ. These ones are a bit easier on them than the first two, with only one poke, but still she was great. She made a little face, but was then distracted with the nurse's toy and didn't even need to nurse. I nursed her to give her the extra fluids, but she didn't need it for comfort.
Later that day I started her on baby food from a jar. We took a trip to Wal Mart and picked up a bag full of little jars of pureed and strained things that I'm planing to introduce one by one in to Cecelia's diet. We've been working on rice cereal for a little while now, and I think it's about time she get a taste of something new. However, I did run in to a woman with two kids in the store who suggested I start with the green vegetables because they're less sweet - the  move on to other things - so she's not really getting the best of what's out there to start. Today we started with some peas mixed in with her cereal. We'll try that for a couple days and then maybe some beans and we'll see where that leads us. Unlike her mama, she ate those peas right up!

Just a couple minutes after shots - what a little trooper.

Discouragement, Disappointment and Despair

These are things that often plague this household. We are trying to get better, both of us, but it is a challenge we both face - to stay positive and optimistic through hard times.
This last week has been an exhausting one around here. Both us at the end of our ropes, and so unsure about what to do next. Discouraged with the challenges of marriage and parenthood, and disappointed with mostly little things - mainly the cost of flights to Halifax for Christmas.
An important decision was made on Tuesday night - to just try to be happy. Eric told me yesterday morning that he was just going to try his best to be happy, and it has completely changed the atmosphere at home here. It has flipped from despair to hope; from disappointment to comfort; and from discouragement to hope.

Some Days - Aselin Debison

Some days I feel sad and lonely
some days I feel fine…
Some days the clock just ticks too slowly
and I wish away my time.
I wish away my time

when you come to me
I realize how wonderful my life can be.
With you… You and me.
Some days bounce like a basketball
some days make me blue.
Some days I stare out through my window
and wonder what the world will do.
I wonder what the world will do…

And when I wake at night
the darkness closes in.
My heart takes fright.
You remind me that I’m alright.

Some days I think I just fell from the sky.
Some days I have to ask the question “why?”
But everyday I try…

Some days I am virtuous,
but some days I’m just bad.
Some days I just can’t get enough
of the sweetest things I ever had.
The sweetest things I ever had.

But when you telephone,
I realize that I am never really all alone
And dream that I am home, I am home,
I am home…

Listening to this song today I suddenly realised that it basically sums up my day to day feelings as a mother. It was sung by a girl who was like 13 from Cape Breton, Nova Scotia so I don't think that that's exactly what it's about. It fits for me though and now I have a new appreciation for it. 

Sleep Training is Saving Me (Us)

Oh man, there is so much to read and learn and know about sleep training. I hadn't even thought about it for the longest time, and now it has become a very dominating force in my life.
Another problem with having had a baby with such good sleep habits, is that I just went along with it. I didn't want to disturb the peace, and I was happy with what she was doing. Now she thinks she's been calling the shots all this time, and that she gets to continue calling the shots - even when her new routine is driving mom crazy.
In speaking with a couple of moms at church a couple of weeks ago, I cam to know of a book called The Baby Sleep Solution. Now, I am not in anyway trying to recommend or promote this program over others, but the women I spoke with had tried it and like it - one with a baby older than mine and one younger. It's a quick easy read, and it just seems to make sense to me as I go through it. I agree with things she says, and I enjoy being able to feel validated in my feelings as I go through different points she addresses. Two things I really like that she says in the beginning of the book:
1. If you let a baby cry past 5 minutes, she's too exhausted and overwhelmed and worked up to be learning anything. She's not making connections anymore to "if I cry for long enough, my mom will come and get me" or  "crying = snuggle time". She's too far gone for any of that.
2. Babies, and kids, need to be taught about rules and structure - especially as it pertains to basic human needs like food and sleep. They need to be taught what to do and how to do it. If you do not do some kind of sleep training (I use that term loosely because it can mean all kinds of different things, and take all kinds of different forms), you are leaving the responsibility to learn these things up to your infant. That's not fair to her or to you.
So, while I am not promoting any program in particular, or any person, I am saying to all you moms to be out there that I wish I'd thought about and learned about sleep training sooner than I have. Take some time (while you have the time) to choose (or even create) a program that works for you and your family. She also talks about how the baby should adjust to life in the family that already exists, the whole family does not need to change to adjust to baby (after the first few weeks, of course). I don't care what it is you decide to do, or who you decide to trust, but find something that you think will work for you, and prepare yourself to put it in place at a time earlier than I did.
Okay, now that I've said my piece about that, this is how we've been doing with our's:
I started to read the book over our holidays, and then decided to start the program when we got back from vacation. The first step in the process is to get baby eating at the right times, and the right amounts, during the day. This author figures baby needs about 24 ounces of breast milk in a 24 hour period. She suggests feeding every 4 hours, in a 12 hour period, on the hour. You can choose any twelve hours that work for you during the 24 - we've chosen 8AM-8PM. On Monday she was a perfect dream baby. She woke up and ate at 8AM, she was ready again at Noon, again at 4PM, ate at 8PM and went to bed. She even got the naps down (which is not until step 4 of the program). She napped for 1 hour between the first two feedings, and 2 hours between the 2nd and 3rd. The night however, was another story. She was up twice, and the up for good at 6:30 in the morning. Being up so early threw Tuesday off completely. We tried our best to stick to the schedule again, and for the most part it seemed to work for feeding - napping was all over the place, but that's okay. One step at a time is important. We only fed her cereal once yesterday, and she slept so much better overnight. I don't know why this is the case, but it seems to be a trend. Each time we skip a meal of cereal, she does better at night. So we've reduced it for now to only breakfast time cereal - which I think is fine because she's not even quite 6 months yet so she certainly doesn't need more than that.
Anyway, so we're trying our best. We're working right now on just making sure she eats at 8AM, Noon, 4PM and 8PM and goes to bed consistently right after the 8PM feed. I think a consistent bed time is so important for little kids, and am learning now how important it is for me too.
I am loving Cecelia in bed at 8PM these days (this has been going on for a couple weeks now). It gives me a bit of time alone before Eric gets home, it give Eric and I time alone before bed, and we are rarely in bed past 11PM because there is just no need to be. It's been really nice for us - together and individually.
So here's the thing that I have learned and loved about starting this program - the reason I would suggest it (or again, something similar to it) to anyone: I am gaining perspective. I am learning that this is not a struggle that needs to last forever; I am developing patience. I am learning to endure, and to enjoy the ride. My time while she naps during the day is my own, and she is learning and growing through this process as well. I have been blessed these last few days with an added measure of patience, and I don't know where it comes from. I have only one guess, and that is prayer. Eric prays for me always, I pray for me when I have the faith to, and when I phoned home on the weekend crying to my parents they said the only thing they were really able to from all the way over there: "we will pray for you". In the moment, I am sorry to say, I thought "Thanks a bunch guys, that's really helpful. Not!" I phoned home expecting all the answers from my seasoned parents, and all I got was - yupp it's hard, sorry about that, we'll pray for you. Well, it turns out that I needed that more than anything. With their prayers, and others' prayers, and our own prayers, I am learning to be faithful, learning to endure and learning to be patient. Most importantly I am learning that I am doing a fine job - Cecelia has a good mom who loves her more than anything and wants what's best for her. There's nothing that can replace that. I am doing well, and I can rest knowing that my best is all that can be expecting, and all that she requires. I cannot even explain the weight that has been lifted from my shoulders in a matter of only two days. It's a tiny miracle, and one that I am so so grateful for.

Cecelia's having a hard time

The last couple of days have been amongst the hardest I've seen as a mother. Cecelia has been restless and fussy and sad and I can't figure out for the life of me what is causing it. She's not sleeping regularly at night (or for naps) and she's upset all day.
I have really been struggling with her lately, and I am running out of ideas and ways to keep myself sane. The curse of always having had such a wonderful baby, is that I don't really know how to be a mother to a normal baby. I feel so overwhelmed and stressed with the task at hand, and it is scaring me, the mom I seem like I'm becoming. My house is going untouched, because Cecelia needs my every moment of attention, and this is causing me even more stress and frustration.
I just don't know how to describe the feeling that has come over me. Maybe it's impossible to understand until you've been a mother, I don't know. I feel angry and then guilty, frustrated and then sad. All she has to do is smile again and I can very nearly forget all the bad. But then all she needs to do is spend an afternoon crying and it seems impossible to remember all the good.
This afternoon was particularly hard. I had plans for the day and Cecelia was not going to let me carry them out. She screamed while I was leaving the grocery store and at the bank machine, then she fell asleep on the way home. I thought I was getting some relief, but she woke as soon as we got in the door and was up and fussy and squirmy for nearly an hour.  Finally I didn't know what else to do and so I called my husband. Sometimes I find it even harder once I get on the phone with him. No one seems to understand the feelings I'm feeling and I don't seem to ever be able to hear that one piece of advice that will keep me sane and get me through.
Today I had to do what I think every mother dreads doing. I had to leave her to cry. I was so nearly mad, I had to leave her by herself for a few moments and catch my breath. I used those few moments to do a speed cleaning of my house, and was really impressed with all I was able to accomplish. I was feeling good until I got back to her and heard her screaming and coughing and choking on her tears. How can they have such a hold on us? And how do you ever learn to get past it? I cried myself for a few moments and then I went in and I picked her up. She instantly stopped crying and snuggled in to me, as if I had saved her from a beast. It's almost as if she had no idea that I was the beast in the first place. How do you get past that heart wrenching feel of having abandoned your baby? It was only ten minutes and she was fine at the end of it, but how do I convince my heart of that, even when my brain knows it's true?

 All of these things I never ever thought I'd have to deal with as a mother. All of these things that I thought would never plague me, that would never get to me, and would never bother me. I am bothered by them all, and not sure what to do about it.
I am not asking these questions rhetorically to the internet, if anyone has any actual ideas, I would so much appreciate some advice and some guidance. I just don't know where to go from here, and I'm worried about what's coming next.

Cecelia Ate Cereal

Last night Cecelia had her first meal of food that didn't come from me. We got her some rice cereal! She hasn't been sleeping through the night anymore. This with her reaching for our food, watching us eat, and seeming unsatisfied with breast milk, gave me the go ahead to start her new food.
She took it well. She drooled out most of it and we didn't even make it through half the bowl, but she did sleep through the night and that made me happy.

Cecelia Waves

Last week (on Wednesday) Cecelia waved for the first time and is quite clearly excited she's learned how. She waved to Elizabth first and then to others in the room.
Now she only waves hello and not goodbye, and only when you wave foolishly for quite a long time does she reciprocate. It's precious none the less.