She told me that she could prescribe a medication again if I wanted, but the one I'm used to taking I can't take while I'm breastfeeding. She suggested I get started with three very important healthy living tips:
1) Plenty of excercise
She suggested I spend at least half an hour outside each day walking or getting some kind of exercise. This is a suggestion I always hate hearing - it always makes me feel like I've been so lazy. I know I haven't been because taking care of Cecelia has been more work than anything else I have every had to do in my life, but I sometimes feel like there is a view amongst those who do enjoy running or going to the gym or doing yoga that those who don't are lazy and don't take care of their bodies. With my extra time I like to take care of my mind - create things, read things, learn things, and sometimes just relax it. I do feel like I need to exercise more, I just find it really hard to find the time, because it's not one of my favourite things to get out and run or walk. I would much prefer weight training at the gym, but that requires a babysitter and so I just need to sort that kind of thing out and make sure this becomes a priority.
2) Sleep
Doctor said that at 6 months, my baby is a good age for sleep training. This was a relief because it is the second time I've heard this from a medical professional (first was the nurse at her immunizations appointemnt), but every book I've read says that 6 months is too late, and the "window of opportunity" as one book phrased it is closed. She says that's not true though, because by 6 months they shouldn't be needing food through the night, they should be able to last until morning. It's just a matter of choosing the method of training them to do that that works best for us as parents, and for the baby. She offered me information on a class here in town that is available for information about these different methods. I think I'm going to need to take that class. I miss my sleep so much, and I can feel the exhaustion taking its toll on me. I don't feel I have the energy to be the kind of mother I would love to be, and so it is best for both Cecelia and I if we can get her sleeping through the night. It will be a couple of really rough nights, for hopefully a great pay off in the end. I know I need to do this, it's just a matter of committing myself to it. That's been the hard part so far.
3) A hobby or some time to myself away from baby girl - preferably something I can create and feel good about. An accomplishment to show for my time.
This I can really feel myself needing. I need something that I can enjoy that defines me as something other than a mother. To be honest, I can count on one had the number of things I've done for just me since Cecelia was born. I miss creating things. I miss time to myself. I miss me. I need to take the time to find myself and what makes me happy again. I love being Cecelia's mother, and find so much joy and satisfaction in this job, but I do feel a little like I'm loosing myself in it. I spend all of my time caring for her and paying attention to her (and feeling guilty when I'm not). I've been really struggling with this one because I don't really know what I want to do. I don't really know what I would want to spend my time away from Cecelia doing. I don't feel like I can leave her without something specific to go to - because then I'm just leaving to get away from my baby and the responsibilities that go with her. That makes me feel really guilty, and has been a real challenge to me. That is not the truth though, and it's not reality.
Reality is that Cecelia needs the best of me, not all of me. I will be at my best if I take the time to take care of my physical body. Reality is, she doesn't need me in the middle of the night as much as she needs me rested and rejuvenated during the day. Reality is, she enjoys spending time with Grandma, and doesn't need me every evening - she needs me all there on the evenings that I'm with her. These are such simple things that Dr. Fletcher suggested to me, and I know they are going to help, I just don't know why it is sometimes so hard to do things we know will be good for us. I do want to feel better though. I do want to get better, and I do want to be better. If these are the things that will get me there - and she seems to think they will be enough - then I need to make the sacrifices now to make them part of my life so that I can see those changes in the future.
This week we started with a few morning walks - chilly morning walks - before it gets too cold to enjoy being outside at all.
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