Isla, I'm sorry about Postpartum Depression

When Isla was born, in March, our lives as a family became very different. My life became very different. I was grateful and excited to have a brand new baby, but things seemed harder now than ever before - and they were. I did not adjust easily to having two children - and maybe I'm still not even used to it. Suddenly the people needing my attention out numbered me, and that was really hard. It seemed to be even harder than it should have been though, and it seemed to bring me less joy than I had hoped for.
I knew in the back of my mind that I was probably a prime candidate for postpartum depression - I've had depression myself before and it runs through my family history. It took me a long time though to realize and that that could be what was getting me down. It felt different than I expected or imagined. It was a very dark and frustrating time for me, and even to write it down now it is scary to face and admit to the things that went on in my mind and in my actions.
My depression in the past has been a lot of crying and a lot of shutting down and a lot of staying in bed. This time was very different. I was so so angry - all the time. I was angry when my baby woke up during the night. I was angry when my two year old didn't put her shoes on right away. I was angry because my husband couldn't possibly understand what I was feeling. I was angry that he would never have to be pregnant. I was angry with my body and with my mind. I was angry with myself. I was angry with God.
I did and said things as a parent that I hoped I would never ever do. Things that I am ashamed to remember right now. Suddenly any little thing was setting me off. I would be swearing in my head when I came to a yellow light. I was frantic and scattered all the time. This felt like the new me and suddenly I started to feel like I was never meant to be a wife or to have children. I felt like I had gotten myself in over my head and that I had chosen the wrong path for my life. I started to resent ever having the children I have - the beautiful and wonderful little girls who have blessed my life so much. That is when I started to feel like maybe this was not the way it was supposed to be. I hoped with all my energy that it was something that could change.
At my two month vaccination appointments with Isla, the nurse gave me a screening test for postpartum depression. I am grateful that by this point I had realized that I maybe had a problem. I took the time to slowly consider each question and to answer as honestly as possible. When I handed it back to her she was concerned. She asked a few follow up questions and said this needed to be faxed over to my family doctor and that I should follow up with her. It wasn't until about a month later that my girls needed appointments and so I finally made time for myself to go in too and talk to my doctor.
Being a new mom to your 1st, 2nd or 6th child is hard. There is so much to take in and so much to learn each time that it can be quite overwhelming. But when it was hard for me all the time and it was inhibiting me from feeling the joy of motherhood, and especially of a brand new baby, I knew it was a big problem - more than just regular life. I talked to my doctor and she prescribed medication and I have been taking it since then. It is still hard.

The year 2016 was one that brought a lot of hard times for our family. It brought some things that should have felt joyful, but mostly it brought trial. The days felt long, but the year flew by. Looking back on it all, this year feels like a haze to me. A lot of it feels vague and distant - I remember that there was pain and heartache and frustration, but I don't feel it anymore. There are some losses and some pains that I am still grieving, but as the fog of this year is starting to lift I am grateful for what I have come out of it with.
Isla, I am grateful that you have grown so strong and so tender in your first year of life. I am sorry that there are no monthly pictures documented of you and I am sorry that I don't remember exactly when you got your first tooth, or which day you first crawled. I am so grateful to you for your patience and your sweetness. I am grateful for what you let me learn and the ways you taught me to grow this year. Thank you baby girl. This year has meant more to me than you might ever know. And thank you to my other two and to so many others who I love so much, for their patience and love and support. I am ready for 2017.

3 Months Old

My Isla girl seems like she has just always been a part of this family. In a lot of ways it's hard to believe it has only been three months with her.
She is growing like a weed! She is fitting size 6 month clothes now, and I am having to make all new headbands for her because her head is growing just as rapidly. (I bet that means she's going to have the brains of the family.) She's got the looks too! This girl's smile can light up any room, anytime, and she has recently started a bit of a giggle too. She has discovered her hands and like to hold and play with toys and her soother. She even intentionally gets one of her toys to her mouth quite often.
I am loving her chubby rolly little thighs lately. Cecelia never had this kind of meat on her, and I am just snuggling and squishing and adoring every little ounce of it.

Playing in the Rain

Today we had a very brief but incredible rain and thunder storm. Cecelia and I were sitting in the living room watching it and decided to get boots on to go out and play. By the time we did, it was done. But that didn't stop her from find ways to get wet and dirty. She had a blast for just those few minutes we spent outside, and I had a great time watching her.

1 Week Old

I cannot believe it's been one week already since Isla joined us here on Earth. It has really been a roller coster ride of a week though. I have been very emotional lately, and if you strip the experience of those feelings it really seems unsurmountable, but the love I feel for this baby and for the one I already have carries me through the challenges we've faced each day. My adoration for these two little girls has carried me through this week.
Our main struggle with Isla has been breast feeding. She eats like a champ, but we've been through every just about type of pain and cause of pain and discomfort there is. Thank goodness for my midwives and each of their expertise. I've had three of them come by at different times, each offering a different tiny tip that has moved us along one step further. The last puzzle piece was a referral from them to a breast feeding clinic, and it all seems to be coming along. Another visit or two to the clinic, and we should be in good shape - which is something I never got to say in all the 14 or 15 months with Cecelia. Getting this sorted out in the beginning this time will smooth out a lot of wrinkles and frustrations I had the first time around. I look forward to that. One week down, and I am already enjoying looking down at my little nursing babe, and not still cringing and crying each time she latches.
The second major challenge I am facing is a two year old becoming...well, two! She is trying my patience, my tolerance and my mood at every single turn. She has not been a typical "terrible twos" kind of girl to this point. She has always had a very calm demeanor, has listened very well, and a desire to obey. You may be thinking "well then you're finally getting what the rest of us parents are dealing with", but it's been very hard on me. I'm not saying that other parents don't, but I have worked very very hard to have a toddler who acted and behaved that way. I have worked very hard for two long years to develop a relationship of mutual respect and admiration with my daughter. It is something that is very important to me and it is one thing that I value more than almost anything else in the world. Cecelia and I really are best friends - and now she thinks we were best friends. Everything seems to be coming unravelled and I am loosing it all bit by bit. At the same time, I am trying to start to build the same thing up with Isla - it all started from day one. Balancing the physical demands of two kinds is hard enough, I never imagined the challenge I would have balancing the emotional needs of each girl (and myself). I do see it getting better though. As my hormones start to balance out, our sleep schedules start to regulate, and Cecelia's love for Isla grows, things will start to get better - with some hellish nightmare days in between, I'm sure.
The main feeling of the week though is love. I cannot believe how blessed I am to call this new piece of Heaven mine. She is a joy and I am grateful.