Thank You

It is always nice to read things that people post, that are real. It is lovely to see happy smiling faces on everyone's blogs too, don't get me wrong, those are the best posts. I wish that all of real life was like that so that all of our posts could be like that. Occasionally it is nice to know that someone else understands the hard things. Even if they're not right there with you, it feels nice to be supported in your trials by those you know.
Today I am home from church. Lately I have felt slow and sloppy and frustrated in my progression. It's hard for me to be feeling that way when I am married to a wonderful man who seems to have it all together, living in the home of his parents who really seem to be experts in having it all together. I have recently felt guilty for the disappointment I cause them, and ashamed of the excuses they may feel they need to make for me. I don't know what Eric is telling people at church today, but the real reason I am not there is because I don't want to be. It's not that I don't believe the church, it's not that I don't believe in God, it's that I feel I don't deserve to be there. I feel like my laziness in my obedience and lack of determination lately has caused me to be unworthy of all the blessings that come from being a member of this church. It's a hard load to carry sometimes. I want to do better, I want to be better; I don't know how. Today I read the perfect post, and I can't describe how I felt as I read it. It came from I girl who's recent peculiar life situations brought her and I together. We both ended up in Europe together, in Vienna, with our brand new husbands. Some talks we had made me really feel like I had someone in the world who understood things that I didn't know how to explain to other people, or that I occasionally felt guilty for feeling. She was like a breath of fresh air, at a difficult time. And today she provided me with that exact same relief.
She wrote of an article she read recently. About George Albert Smith. About his mental and physical weaknesses. From her wise words I read,

During his long bouts of depression he felt inadequate and troubled, like he was letting God and the church down, as well as his friends and family. Despite all of the things he tried, he was unable to bring himself out of his depression. It eventually did get better (and he eventually became the prophet), but he waded through the murkiness of an overly anxious life for many, many years.

These stories are absent from the manual that we will study every Sunday for this entire year. I wish that they were present. Can you imagine if they were? What if there was a lesson entirely devoted to this prophet's mental anguish? What could that do for those who similarly suffer? What self love might increase? What guilt and unnecessary anxiety would decrease? Would such individuals not see (even a small glimpse) of the truth that they are still loved by God and are still worthy of inspiration and direction? What could it do for those who live with and love those who are suffering from depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses? What greater measure of compassion and understanding might be brought about?

What if this were all true. Maybe I would be at church today, and maybe I would feel like I deserve to be there. But I don't need these messages to be printed in the manuals. I need friends and family who say these things, and aren't afraid to. I love that I have the support of friends and family who say these things, and aren't afraid to. I am so happy to know that God loves me. It is too late for this Sunday, but how happy I am to know that it is never really too late. Next Sunday I will remember this message and I will feel joy in knowing that God loves me and each little effort I am willing and able to make.
Thank you for this message. It meant so much to me this morning.