When Isla was born, in March, our lives as a family became very different. My life became very different. I was grateful and excited to have a brand new baby, but things seemed harder now than ever before - and they were. I did not adjust easily to having two children - and maybe I'm still not even used to it. Suddenly the people needing my attention out numbered me, and that was really hard. It seemed to be even harder than it should have been though, and it seemed to bring me less joy than I had hoped for.
I knew in the back of my mind that I was probably a prime candidate for postpartum depression - I've had depression myself before and it runs through my family history. It took me a long time though to realize and that that could be what was getting me down. It felt different than I expected or imagined. It was a very dark and frustrating time for me, and even to write it down now it is scary to face and admit to the things that went on in my mind and in my actions.
My depression in the past has been a lot of crying and a lot of shutting down and a lot of staying in bed. This time was very different. I was so so angry - all the time. I was angry when my baby woke up during the night. I was angry when my two year old didn't put her shoes on right away. I was angry because my husband couldn't possibly understand what I was feeling. I was angry that he would never have to be pregnant. I was angry with my body and with my mind. I was angry with myself. I was angry with God.
I did and said things as a parent that I hoped I would never ever do. Things that I am ashamed to remember right now. Suddenly any little thing was setting me off. I would be swearing in my head when I came to a yellow light. I was frantic and scattered all the time. This felt like the new me and suddenly I started to feel like I was never meant to be a wife or to have children. I felt like I had gotten myself in over my head and that I had chosen the wrong path for my life. I started to resent ever having the children I have - the beautiful and wonderful little girls who have blessed my life so much. That is when I started to feel like maybe this was not the way it was supposed to be. I hoped with all my energy that it was something that could change.
At my two month vaccination appointments with Isla, the nurse gave me a screening test for postpartum depression. I am grateful that by this point I had realized that I maybe had a problem. I took the time to slowly consider each question and to answer as honestly as possible. When I handed it back to her she was concerned. She asked a few follow up questions and said this needed to be faxed over to my family doctor and that I should follow up with her. It wasn't until about a month later that my girls needed appointments and so I finally made time for myself to go in too and talk to my doctor.
Being a new mom to your 1st, 2nd or 6th child is hard. There is so much to take in and so much to learn each time that it can be quite overwhelming. But when it was hard for me all the time and it was inhibiting me from feeling the joy of motherhood, and especially of a brand new baby, I knew it was a big problem - more than just regular life. I talked to my doctor and she prescribed medication and I have been taking it since then. It is still hard.
The year 2016 was one that brought a lot of hard times for our family. It brought some things that should have felt joyful, but mostly it brought trial. The days felt long, but the year flew by. Looking back on it all, this year feels like a haze to me. A lot of it feels vague and distant - I remember that there was pain and heartache and frustration, but I don't feel it anymore. There are some losses and some pains that I am still grieving, but as the fog of this year is starting to lift I am grateful for what I have come out of it with.
Isla, I am grateful that you have grown so strong and so tender in your first year of life. I am sorry that there are no monthly pictures documented of you and I am sorry that I don't remember exactly when you got your first tooth, or which day you first crawled. I am so grateful to you for your patience and your sweetness. I am grateful for what you let me learn and the ways you taught me to grow this year. Thank you baby girl. This year has meant more to me than you might ever know. And thank you to my other two and to so many others who I love so much, for their patience and love and support. I am ready for 2017.
Jun 17, 2016
3 Months Old
My Isla girl seems like she has just always been a part of this family. In a lot of ways it's hard to believe it has only been three months with her.
She is growing like a weed! She is fitting size 6 month clothes now, and I am having to make all new headbands for her because her head is growing just as rapidly. (I bet that means she's going to have the brains of the family.) She's got the looks too! This girl's smile can light up any room, anytime, and she has recently started a bit of a giggle too. She has discovered her hands and like to hold and play with toys and her soother. She even intentionally gets one of her toys to her mouth quite often.
I am loving her chubby rolly little thighs lately. Cecelia never had this kind of meat on her, and I am just snuggling and squishing and adoring every little ounce of it.
She is growing like a weed! She is fitting size 6 month clothes now, and I am having to make all new headbands for her because her head is growing just as rapidly. (I bet that means she's going to have the brains of the family.) She's got the looks too! This girl's smile can light up any room, anytime, and she has recently started a bit of a giggle too. She has discovered her hands and like to hold and play with toys and her soother. She even intentionally gets one of her toys to her mouth quite often.
I am loving her chubby rolly little thighs lately. Cecelia never had this kind of meat on her, and I am just snuggling and squishing and adoring every little ounce of it.
Jun 8, 2016
Playing in the Rain
Today we had a very brief but incredible rain and thunder storm. Cecelia and I were sitting in the living room watching it and decided to get boots on to go out and play. By the time we did, it was done. But that didn't stop her from find ways to get wet and dirty. She had a blast for just those few minutes we spent outside, and I had a great time watching her.
Mar 11, 2016
1 Week Old
I cannot believe it's been one week already since Isla joined us here on Earth. It has really been a roller coster ride of a week though. I have been very emotional lately, and if you strip the experience of those feelings it really seems unsurmountable, but the love I feel for this baby and for the one I already have carries me through the challenges we've faced each day. My adoration for these two little girls has carried me through this week.
Our main struggle with Isla has been breast feeding. She eats like a champ, but we've been through every just about type of pain and cause of pain and discomfort there is. Thank goodness for my midwives and each of their expertise. I've had three of them come by at different times, each offering a different tiny tip that has moved us along one step further. The last puzzle piece was a referral from them to a breast feeding clinic, and it all seems to be coming along. Another visit or two to the clinic, and we should be in good shape - which is something I never got to say in all the 14 or 15 months with Cecelia. Getting this sorted out in the beginning this time will smooth out a lot of wrinkles and frustrations I had the first time around. I look forward to that. One week down, and I am already enjoying looking down at my little nursing babe, and not still cringing and crying each time she latches.
The second major challenge I am facing is a two year old becoming...well, two! She is trying my patience, my tolerance and my mood at every single turn. She has not been a typical "terrible twos" kind of girl to this point. She has always had a very calm demeanor, has listened very well, and a desire to obey. You may be thinking "well then you're finally getting what the rest of us parents are dealing with", but it's been very hard on me. I'm not saying that other parents don't, but I have worked very very hard to have a toddler who acted and behaved that way. I have worked very hard for two long years to develop a relationship of mutual respect and admiration with my daughter. It is something that is very important to me and it is one thing that I value more than almost anything else in the world. Cecelia and I really are best friends - and now she thinks we were best friends. Everything seems to be coming unravelled and I am loosing it all bit by bit. At the same time, I am trying to start to build the same thing up with Isla - it all started from day one. Balancing the physical demands of two kinds is hard enough, I never imagined the challenge I would have balancing the emotional needs of each girl (and myself). I do see it getting better though. As my hormones start to balance out, our sleep schedules start to regulate, and Cecelia's love for Isla grows, things will start to get better - with some hellish nightmare days in between, I'm sure.
The main feeling of the week though is love. I cannot believe how blessed I am to call this new piece of Heaven mine. She is a joy and I am grateful.
Our main struggle with Isla has been breast feeding. She eats like a champ, but we've been through every just about type of pain and cause of pain and discomfort there is. Thank goodness for my midwives and each of their expertise. I've had three of them come by at different times, each offering a different tiny tip that has moved us along one step further. The last puzzle piece was a referral from them to a breast feeding clinic, and it all seems to be coming along. Another visit or two to the clinic, and we should be in good shape - which is something I never got to say in all the 14 or 15 months with Cecelia. Getting this sorted out in the beginning this time will smooth out a lot of wrinkles and frustrations I had the first time around. I look forward to that. One week down, and I am already enjoying looking down at my little nursing babe, and not still cringing and crying each time she latches.
The second major challenge I am facing is a two year old becoming...well, two! She is trying my patience, my tolerance and my mood at every single turn. She has not been a typical "terrible twos" kind of girl to this point. She has always had a very calm demeanor, has listened very well, and a desire to obey. You may be thinking "well then you're finally getting what the rest of us parents are dealing with", but it's been very hard on me. I'm not saying that other parents don't, but I have worked very very hard to have a toddler who acted and behaved that way. I have worked very hard for two long years to develop a relationship of mutual respect and admiration with my daughter. It is something that is very important to me and it is one thing that I value more than almost anything else in the world. Cecelia and I really are best friends - and now she thinks we were best friends. Everything seems to be coming unravelled and I am loosing it all bit by bit. At the same time, I am trying to start to build the same thing up with Isla - it all started from day one. Balancing the physical demands of two kinds is hard enough, I never imagined the challenge I would have balancing the emotional needs of each girl (and myself). I do see it getting better though. As my hormones start to balance out, our sleep schedules start to regulate, and Cecelia's love for Isla grows, things will start to get better - with some hellish nightmare days in between, I'm sure.
The main feeling of the week though is love. I cannot believe how blessed I am to call this new piece of Heaven mine. She is a joy and I am grateful.
Mar 8, 2016
Isla Beth
Isla is our newest addition. She joined our family last week, in the comfort and peace of our own home. She weighed and measured exactly the same as her sister (7lbs 11oz and 20") and she is just as perfect Cecelia was then. It was a smooth, safe and healthy delivery and we are overjoyed with her arrival. The last few days have been a blur of breastfeeding and healing and resting and snuggling. Having two girls has brought a new set of challenges to our lives, but take a look and I think you'll agree: we are very blessed.
(More of the birth story to follow - when my emotions are not so close to the surface.)
(More of the birth story to follow - when my emotions are not so close to the surface.)
Feb 20, 2016
Cecelia Turns Two
Cecelia turned two this month, and today we got to celebrate with a few of her princess pals. We got to do some crafts and some colouring and mostly played in her kitchen together. It was fun to have all those little girls together for a couple hours and it was a blast to see them all dressed up.
Jun 5, 2015
21 Day Fix - Day 5
I have decided to participate in the 21 Day Fix. I have gained weight since slowing down on breast feeding, and I am just not happy with my body the way it is right now.
I visited with my doctor a few weeks ago, before I stopped nursing, and she said that I need to work on getting my body back to being my own before I think about having another baby. She prompted me to remember what being pregnant was really like - it was a challenge. At least in those first three months or so, growing a baby is really really hard work for your body. I started to remember all the nausea, and the days I couldn't make it to work, and the evenings I came home so exhausted I turned it in for the night by 7:00PM. A part of me had forgotten just how bad those things really were - especially since everything after that was a breeze for me. And to imagine doing all that with a toddler running around. No. I needed to change some things first.
So here I am. It started on Pinterest, then with a good chat with some girlfriends, and then Jordena, and then the grocery store. And before I knew it I was getting started on something huge for me. I have never ever in my life stuck with a diet or workout plan - or really much of any personal development plan. That isn't to say I've never started them - boy have I ever started them - I've just never finished them or seen them through to the end. This time I am determined. More than loosing the weight and toning my tummy, I need to promote a healthy lifestyle for myself and my family. This is how I think I will be able to do it.
Things I am hoping to accomplish:
1. I would ultimately love to see myself in at least my postpartum body again. I understand and am aware that not all things can pop back to the way they were before, and I'm not expecting that. I felt great after having Cecelia and I was so proud of the accomplishments I'd made that I was excited about my body and proud of it. I want to feel that way again, and I definitely wouldn't mind looking like that again.
2. As mentioned, I was to promote healthy habits for myself and my family. I like the outline of the 21 Day Fix, because it really does have you eating mostly things that you already eat or have buried somewhere in the back of your cupboard meaning to try some day.
3. I really need to get in to a regular routine of exercise and physical activity. Physical activity helps me feel great, it just is so hard to get started for some reason. I am determined to exercise for the 30 minutes a day recommended by this program, and to continue some kind of routine after that.
4. I would like to change my perspective on health from something I should or have to or need to do, to something I just do.
This program has not been easy for me. One of my biggest challenges is actually eating enough food - believe it or not. I often get to 4:00 in the afternoon and think, "Why am I so cranky? Why am I all of a sudden so short with Cecelia? Why is my body slowing down?". More often than not, the answer is that I've had nothing but a protein drink and maybe a bowl of Cheerios for the day.
Two things: First, this diet is actually making me more hungry than not eating at all ever did. As I'm putting more in to my body, I am finding that it needs even more from me. Second is that when I get really hungry I get really nauseous. When I get really nauseous, it gets harder to eat food - especially vegetables of any kind for some reason.
I am really finding it hard to remember and force myself to eat when I'm not used to it, as well as squeezing in all those portions while feeling a little queezy.
To be perfectly honest, I have not felt better since starting the Fix - I have felt worse. My energy levels seem lower, I am hungry more of the time, and I am feeling a little sick. I am really hoping - and honestly believe - that this is my body reacting to trying to kick those old habit it's become so comfortable with. It's almost as if I'm going through mild withdrawal symptoms, and it's awful. Last night it all caught up with me. I got home very hungry and tired. I ate some eggs and toast for dinner, then got Cecelia bathed and in to bed. Then I finally got to my workout at around 9:15 PM - pretty exhausted to start with. It was cardio, which I have never been very strong in. I got through the workout alright, but as soon as I stopped moving the room started spinning and I basically laid down in my workout clothes until my husband came home - about 1.5 hours later. He helped me get into bed and I was excited to fall asleep and sleep it off. Well that didn't go according to plan. I ended up in the bathroom at about 3:30 in the morning with him by my side. He patted my back and said "You don't have to throw up to reach your target". I giggled. Then I did it anyway, to which he said "Wo! There goes pretty much everything you've eating since you started this diet." Thanks babe. I realized that I've been pushing myself too hard, too soon. I want to loose the weight and I want to see results, and so I am trying so so hard to follow the plan as closely as I can. Modifying the plan to fit my needs and my body is not failing at it. In only 4 days I've already learned some really great tips and tricks and habits that I hope I will be able to hold on to, but I am not doing this to train intensely for anything or to get totally toned muscles, I am just trying to get healthy. Pushing myself as hard as I did last night is not healthy.
This is my progress so far, and a few of my feelings and takes on the whole thing. Stay tuned for more. I will be sticking with it! What's 21 days, right?
I visited with my doctor a few weeks ago, before I stopped nursing, and she said that I need to work on getting my body back to being my own before I think about having another baby. She prompted me to remember what being pregnant was really like - it was a challenge. At least in those first three months or so, growing a baby is really really hard work for your body. I started to remember all the nausea, and the days I couldn't make it to work, and the evenings I came home so exhausted I turned it in for the night by 7:00PM. A part of me had forgotten just how bad those things really were - especially since everything after that was a breeze for me. And to imagine doing all that with a toddler running around. No. I needed to change some things first.
So here I am. It started on Pinterest, then with a good chat with some girlfriends, and then Jordena, and then the grocery store. And before I knew it I was getting started on something huge for me. I have never ever in my life stuck with a diet or workout plan - or really much of any personal development plan. That isn't to say I've never started them - boy have I ever started them - I've just never finished them or seen them through to the end. This time I am determined. More than loosing the weight and toning my tummy, I need to promote a healthy lifestyle for myself and my family. This is how I think I will be able to do it.
Things I am hoping to accomplish:
1. I would ultimately love to see myself in at least my postpartum body again. I understand and am aware that not all things can pop back to the way they were before, and I'm not expecting that. I felt great after having Cecelia and I was so proud of the accomplishments I'd made that I was excited about my body and proud of it. I want to feel that way again, and I definitely wouldn't mind looking like that again.
2. As mentioned, I was to promote healthy habits for myself and my family. I like the outline of the 21 Day Fix, because it really does have you eating mostly things that you already eat or have buried somewhere in the back of your cupboard meaning to try some day.
3. I really need to get in to a regular routine of exercise and physical activity. Physical activity helps me feel great, it just is so hard to get started for some reason. I am determined to exercise for the 30 minutes a day recommended by this program, and to continue some kind of routine after that.
4. I would like to change my perspective on health from something I should or have to or need to do, to something I just do.
This program has not been easy for me. One of my biggest challenges is actually eating enough food - believe it or not. I often get to 4:00 in the afternoon and think, "Why am I so cranky? Why am I all of a sudden so short with Cecelia? Why is my body slowing down?". More often than not, the answer is that I've had nothing but a protein drink and maybe a bowl of Cheerios for the day.
Two things: First, this diet is actually making me more hungry than not eating at all ever did. As I'm putting more in to my body, I am finding that it needs even more from me. Second is that when I get really hungry I get really nauseous. When I get really nauseous, it gets harder to eat food - especially vegetables of any kind for some reason.
I am really finding it hard to remember and force myself to eat when I'm not used to it, as well as squeezing in all those portions while feeling a little queezy.
To be perfectly honest, I have not felt better since starting the Fix - I have felt worse. My energy levels seem lower, I am hungry more of the time, and I am feeling a little sick. I am really hoping - and honestly believe - that this is my body reacting to trying to kick those old habit it's become so comfortable with. It's almost as if I'm going through mild withdrawal symptoms, and it's awful. Last night it all caught up with me. I got home very hungry and tired. I ate some eggs and toast for dinner, then got Cecelia bathed and in to bed. Then I finally got to my workout at around 9:15 PM - pretty exhausted to start with. It was cardio, which I have never been very strong in. I got through the workout alright, but as soon as I stopped moving the room started spinning and I basically laid down in my workout clothes until my husband came home - about 1.5 hours later. He helped me get into bed and I was excited to fall asleep and sleep it off. Well that didn't go according to plan. I ended up in the bathroom at about 3:30 in the morning with him by my side. He patted my back and said "You don't have to throw up to reach your target". I giggled. Then I did it anyway, to which he said "Wo! There goes pretty much everything you've eating since you started this diet." Thanks babe. I realized that I've been pushing myself too hard, too soon. I want to loose the weight and I want to see results, and so I am trying so so hard to follow the plan as closely as I can. Modifying the plan to fit my needs and my body is not failing at it. In only 4 days I've already learned some really great tips and tricks and habits that I hope I will be able to hold on to, but I am not doing this to train intensely for anything or to get totally toned muscles, I am just trying to get healthy. Pushing myself as hard as I did last night is not healthy.
This is my progress so far, and a few of my feelings and takes on the whole thing. Stay tuned for more. I will be sticking with it! What's 21 days, right?
May 13, 2015
Mermaid Victoria
I have a sister who is a mermaid - Mermaid Victoria. She is one of the most creatively talented people I know, and this is one place it's led her. She made the tail she's wearing - along with three or four others - and she wears it. Along with looking beyond stunning, she can swim in this thing. It's really incredible to watch, and I wish I could have gotten those pictures too.
Shooting these pictures was really really fun for me. I'm used to shooting pictures of Cecelia and it's a really a gamble to get a good shot of her. Victoria is a pro at this, and so I could really just concentrate on my camera and learning it's little tweaks and tricks. Editing these photos was also fun because they're just a completely different style than the ones I'm used to with Cecelia. I'm really excited about the way these turned out!
Shooting these pictures was really really fun for me. I'm used to shooting pictures of Cecelia and it's a really a gamble to get a good shot of her. Victoria is a pro at this, and so I could really just concentrate on my camera and learning it's little tweaks and tricks. Editing these photos was also fun because they're just a completely different style than the ones I'm used to with Cecelia. I'm really excited about the way these turned out!
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